I met Lindsey Renee at a party my sister through at our house with our parents. I think i was 21 at the time and she was 18. I didn't really know how to talk to women but I thought it was time to try for a date let alone a wife. I was a virgin until I met her. Looking back I feel like I was an easy target for her more than I was ever a long term commitment. It was abuse after abuse after abuse from her. But I put up with it so I wouldn't have to find another partner for sex. I truly feel like it was the same for her. But no matter what I did I felt I was being conditioned to have her on my mind constantly. Whether it was lies she could care less to tell me. Hurtful ones like she doesn't talk to her ex boyfriend anymore, only to find out that her gay bff had just posted a picture of all of them at the bolling ally with his arm around her on facebook. And these were just the lies and disrespectful attitude I was constantly having to contend with. I feel like I stuck it out just so I could get the truth at some point. I was even told how disgusting it was for me to want to get a maturnity test for my our child we had together. It was a constant denial of peace in my life. I honesty had only one person to call on and that was Jesus. And I fought with him too. I was supposed to be treated like this from a girl who was part of the church and claimed to be a Christian but when I was going through a crises in my life once we got married I was told to save myself. Everything changed once I was lying in a feild trying to talk to God. I thought I heard a voice say would you die for them and I remember saying yes. And I've been doing just that ever since. It's difficult because all that I had done I did for family. Nice things. Safe enviorenment. I'll keep the faith though. Ever since I called on Jesus she must have changed her attitude because I changed mine. She started to treat me differently. I would catch her crying sometimes which took the place of disregard. Then came everything I didn't want to do. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. She made me feel inadequate sexually for sure for all the time i knew her. I suppose the only way to feel adequate is to ask God if I'm truly more than the lies I've been told and do what comes next. Sadly sleeping with as much woman as was required seemed to build up my confidence. But I wanted a family. I didn't want to go through a world of hurt doing things that I couldn't understand then how they would shape me now. Here I am unashamed to say I had to embrace the idea of being a cuckold and be at peace with it being a lie from my ex wife that I had to somehow come to terms with. I don't think anyone grows up wanting to be cucked. For love we do what we think is best. I feel like there might be someone out there who like me was terrified of thinking this was my truth and even taking part in it just to gain an understanding. Please if you ever find yourself in this position just know if there is any freedom from being able to move on to the next battle giving thanks for the struggle with this one I do believe it is through Jesus Christ. God bless you all and be safe. There is no condemnation in Christ. I pray for our relationship to be restored all the time. It's working. I just know it is within me if I can't see it working in her. Sharing is important so I'm providing pictures in humility that we may all share in. One person's trash could be another mans treasure. Someone who feels trapped just now there is freedom in Jesus. Trust in Jesus. In the valley and on the mountain tops. He will never leave you nor forsake you. And you are forgiven. Now and always.
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