Introduction and Thoughts

[Ruletheday1]

Hello to all. Funny where life leads you at times. For weeks I’ve been googling self help terms and thoughts about where my wife and I are in our relationship. More times than not I saw this site in the result. Yes I’d love input while I enjoy the other content.

I’ve been married to my lovely wife for 7 years, together 11. I know of my wife’s sexual past through her volunteering. I think she’s been about 50% forward and honest with it which is more than I’ve ever volunteered.

With recent events I’m starting to notice things or realize what was happening. My wife like so many contracted Covid. Unfortunately she has an auto immune issue which effects her joints and landed her in the hospital for 4 days. Thankfully everything else was like a cold. While she was in I took over all family responsibilities in and around the house. While inside her car, which I rarely ever enter, I heard a constant low buzzing. After going crazy I looked in the 3rd row seats and found a phone. Not very smart but the code was the same code my wife uses for everything else. Turns out she was and is sending pictures of her either I or she took. Not important on details but hundreds of pictures were sent with texts to guys along with dark and raunchy conversation. I was very angry and hurt but decided not to say anything right then since she was ill.

The content shared with these guys was deep and sometimes dark. I referenced above things I should have noticed. Since I’m a laundry guy I noticed her gym bag would have gym clothes and shoes but no panties. There were no panties because she’s been giving them to a few of these guys. The closest thing I saw to sex on the phone was a video sent to her by one of the contacts. She’s propped up against his passenger seat in his vehicle and she’s fingering herself telling him not to touch and just watch.

I copied and transferred the phone memory and put it back where it was. Fast forward a year or so now and I still haven’t let her know or looked for the phone again. One of the things that has changed is my initial anger has turned to intrigue. Once or twice a week I open up those files and get myself off to the back and forth between her and the guys. That started some months back. Now it’s evolved into fantasizing about someone else having sex with her as I am having sex with her. She’s gorgeous and sexy but I get harder and more interested thinking of one of those big guys having sec and pleasuring her.

For some reason I’m living the clean life relatively speaking and I’m nowhere close to telling her my feelings or letting her know I know what she’s been doing. I imagine it’s common. Anyone else have similar stories especially when it comes to the apprehension?

 

[anthonytimmermans]

Why do you have an apprehention of talking to her about this?
It looks to me like she's engaged with activities that - depending on your view - either already qualify as cheating, or is something in a very grey area. In any case, the fact that she's engaged and talking to these guys exchanging texts, video's, indicates to me that the relationship dynamic is somewhere not right...
I think you should first talk to your wife and see where this is coming from from her perspective, rather than open up from your side right now.

 

[Ruletheday1]

Why do you have an apprehention of talking to her about this?
It looks to me like she's engaged with activities that - depending on your view - either already qualify as cheating, or is something in a very grey area. In any case, the fact that she's engaged and talking to these guys exchanging texts, video's, indicates to me that the relationship dynamic is somewhere not right...
I think you should first talk to your wife and see where this is coming from from her perspective, rather than open up from your side right now.

Apprehensive because I like(d) my life and what I thought it was. Nervous about the future and big change just like any other big change in life.

 

[anthonytimmermans]

I'm not an expert here... I myself am in the process of trying to make the move.
But what I gather from a lot of threads here is that if there's a chance to make this work, one precondition is that there is a good and solid relationship at the start of it already.
I can't judge your position or the context of what you wrote, but I would say it is dangerous your wife has all this dark and raunchy conversations, without your knowledge and without her knowing you actually would enjoy her doing that... to me, that's an indication that she's cheating on you or is on the verge of that, but at the very least something is not right in your relationship that I think should probably be worked on first.

Why would she do that? Do you feel the relationship is not as close as it used to be? Is her libido higher than yours? Does she like this kind of exitement or has she in the past with previous boyfriends?
You write that she's only 50% open and honest about her sexual past and that's more than you. I think this is probably a starting point. Why are you not open about it? If this is the love of your life why be anything but truthful about it to eachother (you to her and she to you). That might spiral into a conversation about fantasies, because she or you might have done stuff in the past the other one's into and you just don't know about it.

Perhaps that will lead to the safety to have a conversation - without it turning into a fight or anger - about what she's doing, why she's doing it, what your fantasy is and what that you might actually like her doing it, as long as you are involved in some way and she is honest to you about it...

Somebody on the forum I'm chatting with has sent me this link. It might help you too:

https://tim.blog/2021/08/25/dr-sue-johnson/

Now, again, I'm no expert, as I have just come clean about my fantasy and she's still in a "no"... But I think for you the relantionship needs work first, before you can go into this.

 

[Danielle]

I talked to a guy who had a similar experience. He tried for ten years to talk his wife into being a hotwife, but she wouldn't go for it. Then she went on a two week trip for business, and hooked up with a total stranger for the entire two weeks.

When she came home her hubby was snooping on her phone and saw the texts. He confronted his wife and she admitted to cheating.
He was absolutely furious that she would do this, but not grant him his fantasy. After time past, he cooled down and forgave her. Then he again tried to get her warmed up to the idea of his fantasy, and she shut him down.

I respect swingers and hotwifing couples, but I have no use for cheaters. Trust is trust. If you lose that, you don't have much else in a relationship. You can try and ask her why she did it, but there's a slim chance she will tell you the truth.