I’ve psychoanalyzed myself, in a deeply introspective manner over the last 45 years or so, on this topic.
In context, my first lover was a married woman, cheater/cuckoldress, almost twenty years my senior. Lois was dominant, kinky, experienced, and very much in control of me at that time - I was slavishly devoted to her, in love with her, obsessed with her sexually, and wholly submissive to her every desire, every demand.
That relationship ended unexpectedly - very traumatic for me emotionally, Lois disappeared from my life due to a series of events and move to a distant city. I craved her, suffered at the loss of her both physically and mentally.
My next lover, Paula, was age-appropriate. A devout, ‘good’ Catholic girl, she suffered from various emotional conflicts rooted in religion and sex. I definitely had a crush on her, if not true love. Sexually, we explored everything except vaginal penetration - rooted in her religion, Paula would not use any form of birth control, but she was always totally horny. Instead of penetrating sex, we enjoyed touching, oral, and eventually anal sex - Paula offered me her ass as an alternative to avoid pregnancy risk. To my shock, one summer day, just before the Memorial Day holiday, Paula broke up with me.
I was devastated, completely traumatized by the event. I nearly drank myself into a coma over the break-up. Later I found out Paula had been seeing a guy, Andy, behind my back. To add insult to injury, I was told by several close friends that Paula and Andy had been fucking (with condoms).
The final, probable formative “keystone” series of events took place with KK (now wife of 40+ years) when we were dating, then engaged.
I’ve written about those events in depth before, and published much of it on Literotica to memorialize it all. Basically KK ended our engagement unexpectedly. In the moment, I thought everything was fine, that we were on track to get married as planned. She had other ideas, other needs. Including lots of sexual exploration.
So, another emotional trauma - KK breaking off our engagement devastated me. It also had other dark, perverse effects on me. I reached a point soon after the break up where the only way I could get hard, orgasm, and cum, was thinking about KK fucking some other guy. It became an obsession, later further fueled by a letter I read in Penthouse Forum.
In all three formative cases, there are common elements:
- the emotional trauma, including the pain of loss
- the shame and humiliation because of rumor, innuendo
- the physical, sexual withdrawal
- the constant sexual craving and obsession, recall of sexual encounters and memories
KK continued to cheat, for some twenty years after we got married. From time to time, I experienced feelings of shame, guilt, humiliation, anger, and jealousy - I chose not to confront her over her infidelity, instead it fed my perverse desire to experience, see, know that KK was fucking other men - many men.
When we finally transitioned to the hot wife thing (we just celebrated our 22nd hot wife anniversary) it was like a huge relief. The shame, guilt and all the negative stuff vaporized.
