Have you considered therapy. It could help you with your mindset and set you on a path forward. Personally, I jump in and out of the lifestyle myself so I get where you are coming from.
It's mutually assured destruction. If they recognize you that means that they are either in the lifestyle or interested in it. We should all be adults and respect each others privacy.
Both of you need to communicate with each other. Your wife should be your other half. Try to sit down with her and talk it out. I'm sure she will understand.