After not having sex now of years and being denied 99% anything anytime I ask for the past year... even though I think I was denied 80% of the time our entire marriage I tried to talk to her about my needs and she sent me this after thinking about it. As much as it hurts it feels right. I hate it and I lust so much, but the relief of the pressure being off felt good in a way... like I no longer have to disappoint her that way... but I already miss the intimacy.... even though it has been so broken sexual between us... why am I still desiring something I can't and never really had???? I was never able to satisfy her so why do I miss something I never had. Just so conflicted here, but want to accept it. Would love to hear people's thoughts. This was never what I thought would happen, but hearing it feels right somehow.
"While I understand this feeling that a “handjob” should be the least you get, I totally resent the entitlement that you deserve one just for being married. You have to earn sexual contact. For me at first I was giving you "pity handjobs", because I felt guilty denying you sex and you are my husband, but that made me feel dirty after and I think you even said it made you feel pathetic… you knew it was a chore for me and I resented the demand so you took over and I would tell you details or dirty talk. But after a while I felt used. I’m just here to serve your needs? And you felt even more pathetic masturbating in front of me and me no longer also getting turned on and masturbating like before.
I would love to have sex, but you can’t do that. We try and even as I try to enjoy it you would give up half was through saying it wasn’t working even though I told you I don't need to orgasm, just being close was nice. And neither of us orgasm from penetration with each other anyway. It wasn't about that for me.
I feel like I tried to do my duty as a wife and gave in the first 16 years of our marriage. I tolerated and accepted mediocre sex and not having an orgasm from sex and was fine with it. Then YOU introduced the large toy and woke me up to what I was missing, but a toy is not the same as intimacy and the more it stretched me out the more I craved that feeling and the less you felt inside me. So YOU stopped having sex with me because YOU saw how much I preferred the full feeling. That was YOUR choice. Then YOU suggested I have sex with my ex and I did and it was amazing and we have not had sex since because YOU can’t stay hard anymore due to feeling inadequate… so we stopped.
Now you want handjobs and dirty talk, but after a while I stopped seeing you sexually at all and more like a best friend so being naked with you started to feel awkward. I feel no desire as I watch you stroke your little thing and I resent you begging me for details about what sex is like with other men. The fact that you don't know what sex should be like just makes me see you so not manly. I'm sorry. I love you, but this has been a journey you pushed me down.
I love you, but the more you beg, the the more pathetic in a negative way it became for me. I would rather just share as it feels natural, share our lives and forget about the expectation of regular sex (including handjobs) entirely. A year ago I didn’t feel this way, but started to and now I think after we talked it kind of opened up my mind. I love you, but can we just not have the pressure of sex between us? Can we be life partners without that part? Is that ok?"
"While I understand this feeling that a “handjob” should be the least you get, I totally resent the entitlement that you deserve one just for being married. You have to earn sexual contact. For me at first I was giving you "pity handjobs", because I felt guilty denying you sex and you are my husband, but that made me feel dirty after and I think you even said it made you feel pathetic… you knew it was a chore for me and I resented the demand so you took over and I would tell you details or dirty talk. But after a while I felt used. I’m just here to serve your needs? And you felt even more pathetic masturbating in front of me and me no longer also getting turned on and masturbating like before.
I would love to have sex, but you can’t do that. We try and even as I try to enjoy it you would give up half was through saying it wasn’t working even though I told you I don't need to orgasm, just being close was nice. And neither of us orgasm from penetration with each other anyway. It wasn't about that for me.
I feel like I tried to do my duty as a wife and gave in the first 16 years of our marriage. I tolerated and accepted mediocre sex and not having an orgasm from sex and was fine with it. Then YOU introduced the large toy and woke me up to what I was missing, but a toy is not the same as intimacy and the more it stretched me out the more I craved that feeling and the less you felt inside me. So YOU stopped having sex with me because YOU saw how much I preferred the full feeling. That was YOUR choice. Then YOU suggested I have sex with my ex and I did and it was amazing and we have not had sex since because YOU can’t stay hard anymore due to feeling inadequate… so we stopped.
Now you want handjobs and dirty talk, but after a while I stopped seeing you sexually at all and more like a best friend so being naked with you started to feel awkward. I feel no desire as I watch you stroke your little thing and I resent you begging me for details about what sex is like with other men. The fact that you don't know what sex should be like just makes me see you so not manly. I'm sorry. I love you, but this has been a journey you pushed me down.
I love you, but the more you beg, the the more pathetic in a negative way it became for me. I would rather just share as it feels natural, share our lives and forget about the expectation of regular sex (including handjobs) entirely. A year ago I didn’t feel this way, but started to and now I think after we talked it kind of opened up my mind. I love you, but can we just not have the pressure of sex between us? Can we be life partners without that part? Is that ok?"
