15 years in: When his "vision" stops matching her "reality"

[quitestitch]

Hey everyone.

We have been in the lifestyle for about 15 years now. We’ve seen a lot of couples come and go, and there's one thing that always seems to pop up after the honeymoon phase, but nobody really wants to admit it.

It’s the clash between two totally different headspaces:

The Husband’s side: Usually, it’s all about the "vision." Designing the scenes, picking the right guy, making up the rules. He wants to be the director of the perfect taboo experience. To him, it’s a mental thing - a controlled fantasy.

The Wife’s side: If she’s really into it, it stops being a "show" for the husband pretty fast. It becomes her own journey. She drops the "good wife" act and finds a side of herself that is raw and independent. She doesn’t need a script or a director. She just wants to experience it for herself.

The real problem starts when the husband realizes he’s not the "Master of Ceremonies" anymore. He’s been demoted to a Logistics Manager - the guy who handles the messages and the planning, while she’s off exploring depths he can’t even imagine. His "cinema" in his head just can't keep up with her actual reality.

I’m curious how you guys see it:

To the men: Do you have the guts to admit that her real independence scares you? Are your rules actually about her safety, or just your way of trying to stay relevant?

To the women: Do you ever feel like his "scenarios" are just a different kind of cage? Do you ever want to play way past the boundaries he set just to keep himself comfortable?

Looking forward to some honest opinions

 

[dickhurtz]

"The Wife’s side: If she’s really into it, it stops being a "show" for the husband pretty fast. It becomes her own journey. She drops the "good wife" act and finds a side of herself that is raw and independent. She doesn’t need a script or a director. She just wants to experience it for herself."

that was my wife & I. she wouldn't let me watch.

 

[TheZenMaster]

Hey everyone.

We have been in the lifestyle for about 15 years now. We’ve seen a lot of couples come and go, and there's one thing that always seems to pop up after the honeymoon phase, but nobody really wants to admit it.

It’s the clash between two totally different headspaces:

The Husband’s side: Usually, it’s all about the "vision." Designing the scenes, picking the right guy, making up the rules. He wants to be the director of the perfect taboo experience. To him, it’s a mental thing - a controlled fantasy.

The Wife’s side: If she’s really into it, it stops being a "show" for the husband pretty fast. It becomes her own journey. She drops the "good wife" act and finds a side of herself that is raw and independent. She doesn’t need a script or a director. She just wants to experience it for herself.

The real problem starts when the husband realizes he’s not the "Master of Ceremonies" anymore. He’s been demoted to a Logistics Manager - the guy who handles the messages and the planning, while she’s off exploring depths he can’t even imagine. His "cinema" in his head just can't keep up with her actual reality.

I’m curious how you guys see it:

To the men: Do you have the guts to admit that her real independence scares you? Are your rules actually about her safety, or just your way of trying to stay relevant?

To the women: Do you ever feel like his "scenarios" are just a different kind of cage? Do you ever want to play way past the boundaries he set just to keep himself comfortable?

Looking forward to some honest opinions

Wow, finally, a mature topic about the realities of how this lifestyle can be. What you explained here was us, and its why we are currently inactive now. After about 5years, the separation began. We were changing and becoming different people. That scared us, we realized we were living with a stranger. But instead of divorce; we decide to date again, and learn who this new person is. Now its me n her, still nasty, still freaky just with each other now.

 

[JMNBABE]

J let me know in no uncertain terms that she was NOT comfortable playing my "personal porn star" and we actually stopped seeing other guys for a while. Then a guy at work started coming on to her, and she found her stride.......she was attracted to guys that were attracted to her and wanted her sexually. Not the meet them to fuck things we had done up to them....and this did NOT include me being there directing the show and asking stupid mood killing questions. I don't know she is entertaining a new relationship until she is WELL into it, usually before they have sex but not every time (her Boss/Lover was happening for 2 years before she actually owned up to it). She shares with me the specifics, and we have fgun reliving it together, but her Lovers don't even know I am aware of the relationship. They think she nees more than she gets at home, and they are providing it............works for us, she loves it, and it's all about her Independence and the journey the relationship takes her through. Some of them get pretty intense!!
CW