Picturing someone who was all of the things she likes at once suddenly makes it feel less safe...
MisterNobody:
I’m replying to both posts [# 25 and # 26] in this one post.
I see good things here. You approach this from a perspective of honesty, understanding and personal growth. This is hugely important. More on this. But for now, continue on this path.
Your metaphor, you
‘love the picture,’ implies conceptual thinking. So many want or offer a how-to ‘step by step’ go-nowhere plan [alcohol, porn and a surprise visit from a ‘friend’]. UG! Where are the mods when you need them?! But to appreciate the overall idea brings understanding to the table.
Your
‘finding [discovery!]
… that there's a whole bunch of stuff we maybe don't know enough about regarding one another’ opens a process of discovery and growth. It also shows a desire for deepening connection with Anna. You know her so much better in non-sexual ways … why should that be?
‘I think your very loving, curious and open approach can work for these questions too. I just need to make sure I'm asking in the right way at the right time.’ That is absolutely the way to go. Couples that navigate this well do so by being very loving, curious and open. You also show awareness of and sensitivity to acts and timing.
And
‘not … making it … about my fantasies instead of Anna's.’ Again, huge! This isn’t about getting her ‘on board’ with his fantasy. It is about her coming to see this as good for her, and opening to desire for it.
‘Wow, you made me bump up against my insecurities! … Which brings us back to honesty and growth. This is called ‘shadow work.’ We all have shadow. All of us. It is never easy, but dealing with it is liberating. You show this in saying
… suddenly makes it feel less safe.’ This is simply critical. If you’re going to pursue this, you must deal with these emotions. Honestly. Even the worst of it. Until you do, you’re not ready to proceed.
To ask our wives to step into something for which we did not prepare is utter cowardice and complete folly!
Think through these insecurities, and that a man offering her ‘everything’ ‘makes it feel “less safe.”’ And that this change happens ‘suddenly.’ His mere presence near Anna leaves you shaken.’ That speaks volumes.
Why?
MisterNobody, this is vulnerability. Don’t expect it to be easy. But sharing our weaknesses and insecurities to our wives is also an invitation to them to join us in this process of growth through a
‘very loving, curious and open’ process of filled with discovery, honesty, understanding and personal growth to know her better by exploring what feelings, emotions and desires this motif arouses. In other words, you at some point invite her into the process of discovery – for all those reasons.
Deepened connection with your wife is a radically different and far better way to frame cuckold desire than, ‘hey babe – I got a hot idea; let’s get some booze, porn and later a friend joins us. We’ll see what happens …
Then guys get on here complaining about ‘why she won’t play…’
Giving Anna your insecurities and fears about other men around her effects a shift in power. And power does most assuredly need to shift. Our society takes empowerment and agency and frames it into narratives that women are taught from year one. That must end. Vulnerability [loving honesty, understanding, openness for the purposes of personal and relational growth] will make relationships better whether or not cuckoldry ever results. Women should have all discretion, power, entitlement and agency men have, with none of the social censure.
Being awake to these matters is the basis for all that follows.
‘Anna's most recently-introduced fantasy about being tied up and fucked by strangers doesn't seem new, or … to get me off ... If it's neither…, she's probably had it for longer than we've been together! I'm realizing there could be much more under there.’
And that realization is
WHAT you want to explore [three cheers for awareness!]. Begin with that proposition – that some version of restraint [BDSM?] is [or is among] her most powerful, long-term fantasies. Listen for anything that either
confirms or
overturns that premise. Reflect on what went before that revelation. Weigh in your mind WHY she raised that, and in what context. And where discussion went. With your sensitivities opening, begin to reflect on this the way women have reflected on us since day one. Keep track of insights. Whatever confirms, whatever overturns. The more data you have, the better a call you can make.
Let’s say you get a good case for yes – ropes and multiple people are her ideal fantasy! Where do we go now?
This is what you DON’T tell her …
Consider the Japanese erotic art of Shibari [also called Kinbaku]. It is a traditional form of Japanese rope bondage that stresses aesthetic beauty, precision, the artful use of restraint, exquisite patterns, cultural educative content, beautiful photography and emotional connection, rather than explicitness. This is bondage as artistic expression, and at the same time, a tasteful but undeniably erotic practice.
At some point, [I wouldn’t leave these lying around the house], acquire a book or two on the practice – one at introductory level. If rope bondage is her thing? Just wow. ESPECIALLY in the context that you arrange it!
A word on those
‘two *different* types.’ You may not know or ever meet someone who
‘ticks both boxes.’ But that doesn’t matter.
‘Strangers,’ right? The plural form. Did you earlier mention perhaps a woman? More food for thought.
You have another assignment. It’s a doozie. Begin a file describing Anna’s sexual history, responses, patterns, likes and dislikes, preferences, etc. How often, what positions, any proclivities or peculiarities. Be SURE to include all the turn-offs as much as the turn-ons and likes. If she likes a very slow buildup, and after her first climax wants it again but very fast and hard – all her personal quirks go here. Maybe she loves having her breasts slapped just as she’s about to explode. Favorite techniques – all the stuff you do when you want it to be really good for her – that goes here. Make this as replete as possible. Why do you do this?
Remember that insecure feeling? Remember feeling ‘unsafe?’ Remember how quickly that feeling hit you? How it gripped your imagination? Fixated your mind on that potentiality?
Remember how I mentioned that you give your insecurities and unease [less safe] to your Anna? When it is time, you give Anna’s sexual history to the man who is to penetrate her. The rugged, salty guy. The polished yet informal academic guy. Or both. And the Shibari / Kinbaku book? He/They get that also. Plus, ongoing discussion with you. For several weeks [at a minimum]. A month or two is better. He/They should be simply expert on Anna’s imaginative and sexual responses. They should know everything you do. That alone gives an enormous advantage!
You arrange this perfect evening or weekend. No kids. No interruptions. At a favorite type of location. A birthday gift perhaps? Everything comes together. The rope bondage books. They work through the pictures together ... perhaps through the afternoon. Perhaps discussion over supper. And the evening?
Remember the 'strangers?' A blindfold, perhaps? Are you feeling it now?
People sometimes ask, ‘when is she ready?’ The answer? When she is a pushover. No resistance. Complete relaxation. Pleasure. Her favorite environment. Everything she enjoys most. Slow, languid arousal. Gradually, very gradually, increasing erotic contact, almost imperceptibly. No interruptions. Relaxation. Pleasure. Her birthday gift. Your love. The heightening of her senses invites her deeper into the process of exploration. More and more and more and more and more and more and more. No pressure. No manipulation. Just pleasure that keeps coming. And coming. And coming. She opens. More.
Her body should have at least an hour of gentle grazes before more overt advances begin. Anna should be beside herself and about ready to explode when she is penetrated.
Are you feeling it now?
I wouldn't broach the 'boyfriend' motif. I'd focus on this event. Pull this off, and I doubt very much it will be the last time. Whether this is something she does 3-4 times a year, every month or so -- that will be entirely up to her. Her desire. Her decision. Her agency. Your role now? Support her in whatever she decides.
Your concerns now are these two: Is she safe? Is she happy.
Do your shadow work. See to it that when it is time, you are prepared. Fully.
Thank you for engaging, MisterNobody.
