Lessons learned by a secret cuck

Nov 29, 2018
Let my story serve as a warning to those of you who hide your cuckold fantasies. Keeping your secret so you can hide your shame can only work for so long, and will eventually work against you. Your lust for all things cuckold isn't going to go away. If anything, it's going to become stronger over time. Don't let your pride and ego get in the way of full sexual satisfaction like I did.

I've been indulging in cuckold fantasies for almost 20 years now. I've confessed them to phone sex operators and online sex workers. Ive role played the most intense and humiliating scenarios, as Im sure many of you have. I've basically lived my life terrified of being intimate with a woman, because it will ultimately lead to them discovering that Im not equipped to fully please them, as is the case with many cuckolds. I avoided becoming intimate with a woman all through my adolescence, and was fast approaching the age of 30 while still being a virgin.

Then I met the woman of my dreams. We'll call her L. We both frequented the same poker room for some time. The first few years I knew her, she was engaged. She's a gorgeous dyed blonde. 5'8, just a tad on the heavy side, but it's mostly ass and tits. A curvy woman, but certainly not a BBW. She is well kempt, well dressed, and comes off as well to do. I always imagined that she was engaged to some lawyer or doctor or something. Anyways, she dropped off the face of the map for a few months, and when she returned she was no longer wearing her engagement ring. I sat next to her one night at the tables, and we made small talk as we would always do. I come to discover that her engagement is off, and she is clearly out on the prowl. She's very flirtatious, and I know where this is going, but I cant resist her.

We go out on a few dates, and we really hit it off. Things are starting to get physical, and Im starting to get nervous. I decide to be forthright, and I explain to her that Im a virgin, and I back that up with every excuse except the one that really matters. That I have a tiny cock that Im ashamed of. To my surprise, she's actually way into it. I became a conquest of sorts for her. We try to act like we're going to hold off for as long as possible, but in a few short weeks time it finally happens. She takes my virginity one night, and that's putting it lightly. If my virginity was locked up in a bank vault, she was the robber who blows the fucking vault door off with C4 plastic explosives and claims what is hers. The sex was dynamite. Better than I could have possibly imagined. She was a complete animal and my teacher at the same time.

For months we fucked like rabbits. Every position you can imagine. She was completely insatiable, and I could hardly keep up. My stamina was shit, and I could never last long enough. Her pussy was just too good, and if I didn't focus, I would cum within minutes. Our routine changed. There was far less foreplay involving stimulating me. Blow jobs were off the table. Id spend a minimum of 30 minutes eating her sweet cunt before sex every time, just to push her to the brink. We also stopped rolling around in multiple positions. It was almost exclusively her riding me. It wasn't the traditional bouncing riding that you see in porn either. There was little to no thrusting in and out. She would merely slip onto me, keep me buried, and then GRIND her pelvis against mine. Not sensual and loving, but hard intense grinding. It's only years later that I realize that this was the only way she could cum with me. I didn't have enough cock to stretch her out and make her explode. She could only get there by stimulating her pussy/clit in this grinding manner, and she ALWAYS came first. Sometimes Id cum at the same time, but mostly I was so focused on getting her the pleasure she desired, that I would hold off as long as I could. Once she was done, she would either start pumping up and down on me to finish me off, or would flip over to let me take her doggy style. This would never last more than a few minutes. Once I had seen her satisfied, I didn't have to hold my orgasm back anymore.

While the sex was always great, she was a bit of a prude in general. She didn't like me cursing it up during sex. She's very Catholic, so this kind of makes sense. It doesn't compute though. Here is this good Catholic girl, and she fucks like a god damn sterling race horse. The two just don't pair, unless you're writing a porno. I never in a million years considered introducing any kinks in our few years of having sex. I knew it would come off as weird to her. She likely wouldn't want to partake, and she'd probably always look at me different. I didn't really want to confess my kinks to her anyways. I'm a bit of an alpha in my daily life, so it's tough not only recognizing my flawed dick, but admitting that it would turn me on if she would capitalize on the situation. My ego and pride kept me from opening up my darker sexual desires.

Anyways, after about a year we end up engaged, and a year later we were married. I had so many moments where I nearly called the whole thing off. The woman was a total maniac, and the closer we got, the more I discovered. She wasn't well to do at all. She kept up very well for social appearances, but this woman was a train wreck. Her house was a damn pig sty, which can probably be attributed to raising a 11 year old daughter on her own. Her finances were equally a mess. Multiple credit cards with $15,000+ in balance and a crippling gambling addiction. She was losing money hand over fist playing poker, which had become essentially the only socializing we ever did. That place became our home away from home, and L is equally as alpha as I am. She wasn't about to be told what she could or couldn't do. The poker room was her escape from reality. She felt like she mattered there. It's kind of a male dominated scene, so she had a hell of a lot of fun being the "hot girl". It was a total ego stroke for her. ….
Nov 29, 2018
Unfortunately, she's a terrible poker player. Takes way too many chances, goes on tilt, never knows when to say "enough is enough". She was no longer only losing her money, she was losing my money. I had so many nights sitting across from her at the tables where I was laser focused and on the grind. Id win $500 or whatever, but she would be -$925 or some shit. I couldn't never get ahead. It became a brutal strain on our relationship, because she refused to listen to me, especially on anything concerning poker. We're only married 3 months, and there is already this huge divide between us, because she has a massive problem that she won't address.

I spend a good deal of time bitching about this to the few real friends I have in the poker community. One of my buddies, we'll call him M, offers to see if she will take some coaching from her. He's a solid player, and he could really pull her out of this shit, or open her eyes. I'm sure at this point in the story, you've already got an idea where this is going.

L agrees, and she starts taking coaching from M. They sit next to each other during their sessions. They text back about poker hands and giving tips and pointers and such. They become friendly too, which was odd considering that L didn't really like M all that much. She thought he was a bit of an ass. In fact, just 3 months earlier, he wasn't even an invite at our wedding which saw 25ish friends from the poker community show up. He was my friend, not hers. They become closer and closer though. Next thing you know their sharing ear buds at the table. They're going out to eat together. They take a break from the game at the same time. They were joined at the hip, and I remember thinking jokingly that maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. To be honest, I never thought in a million years that she would have an affair.

Boy was I wrong. We had been married 3 months, and she had already found something else she wanted more. They kept their secret for a while, but eventually it was almost like she was trying to get caught. She started staying over at his house after playing poker with dumb ass excuses. She even went with him to take his recreational vehicles up to the lake for the weekend at one point. They played it off like they were just really good friends now, and even though I was growing suspicious, I had taken notice.

At first, the denial made it easy for me to pay it no attention. I just continued doing what I had been doing all along. Calling phone girls and getting cucked online. That was my sexual outlet when I was single, and it stayed my sexual outlet when I was married. So this whole time that Im indulging in all of these fantasy cuckold experiences, there's actually a real one going on behind closed doors.

Those doors eventually got opened though. She got so fucking sloppy. It became very easy to trap her into a lie, and I had caught her. She knew she was busted too, and she was totally ignoring me. She never came home that night, so I ended up dealing with her best friend who was babysitting her daughter/my step daughter. All I had to do was say that things weren't great at home, and her bestie totally busted loose crying. L had confessed the whole thing to her the night before. She described her as giddy about her new lover, and couldn't wait to introduce them. Her bestie was sickened by this, and totally betrayed her trust. She told me all of it.

I was devastated as you might imagine, and never once did the idea of talking about cuckolding with her cross my mind. She had hurt me, and so had he. It wasn't just a fling or a one night thing. They had been carrying on a 4 month relationship. She confessed that it had only taken about 3 weeks after she had started taking lessons from M that they had fucked. She had met his family. She was taking her ring off and pretending to be his girlfriend around them. She really did live a total double life.

I could probably write a 10,000 word essay about the 2 weeks following. Easily the worst 2 weeks of my life. She had expected me to leave her, but I had too much pride. I didn't want to let this fucking asshole who had stabbed me in the back to win. I didn't want to let him have her. This put L in a tough spot. She wanted to be with him, and hadn't anticipated that I wouldn't go away quietly. This also gave her a chance to see that things weren't going to play out like she had hoped. She got a glimpse at what life was going to be like if her secret got out. She was already on very shaky terms with her dysfunctional extended family, and her friends were not responding to this affair in a positive way.

The good girl in her wanted to protect her life and reputation. The bad girl in her wanting to feel that rush of being with M again. She needed more of that cock. Can you imagine how good that sex must be? To be newly married, and fucking one of your husband's friends behind his back. I have no doubt that she was addicted to it. She committed to me, broke her promise, and then re-committed to me 3 times in 2 short weeks. She could never make up her mind. The first time she put her foot down, she told me she had to say goodbye to him. This constituted spending an entire weekend with him while I was home watching her kid. It was hell on Earth. I knew he was fucking her, the same way he was every damn day when she would go hook up with him.

She came back from her weekend with him in a solemn mood. She played the victim, as if it was tearing her apart to have to break M's heart, and I was supposed to feel some empathy. Fuck that! Im glad I didn't poo-poo her. It was only days later, and Im finding her car in his driveway after she's text me that shes at home taking a bubble bath. She just couldn't quit that dick. After going around in this circle for a few loops, she finally swears that she's done with him. She's broken up, and moved on. She's going to get into counseling, and we're going to fix our marriage. She seemed sincere, but she was sincere the other 2 times too.

The next night I call her on my break from work, because Im a paranoid maniac at this point. She doesn't answer. I call back again, and it rings 5-6 times before going to voicemail once again. She hits me back about 90 minutes later, and claims she didn't see my call. We discuss therapy, and how much solo and group we're going to do, yada yada yada. 30 minutes later, M text me, which really made my heart jumped. I hadn't dealt with him yet, and I wanted to crush his skull. The discussion lasts about 15-20 minutes via text before he drops a bombshell on me. He says that he knows that I called L twice around 7 PM. That the phone rang and rang, vibrated and vibrated, and she never picked up. Now my heart really sinks into my stomach. Fuck, Im getting goosebumps just reliving it. "You know how I know this?" he asks rhetorically. "Because her phone was vibrating on my night stand while she rode me. She looked at it both times, and ignored you to fuck me."

M was afraid he was losing L. This was his play. If he couldn't get her to leave me, he was going to get me to leave her. That's exactly what happened too. That was the last straw, and I simply couldn't take it anymore. We got divorced almost immediately, and here is where the lesson comes in. I've obsessed over her relentlessly for almost 6 years now. I went from hating her, to lusting over her in an uncontrollable manner. Countless nights Ive imagined her with M, wondering how they would fuck. Wondering how amazing his cock was. Wondering about all the sexy noises and faces he must have made her make. How times he had made her cum. Wondering about all of the little details. Like if she would ride him the same way she rode me, or if she no longer needed that intense grinding to be able to get off. Wondering how many times I had kissed her an hour after she had his cock in her mouth.

I've fantasized about writing her a letter and confessing. That Im more turned on by her now that I was ever before, and that we can make this work. Ive dreamt about her any number of different reactions to this confession, and where it might lead. My ego and reputation stop me though. I can never be with her again. I could never explain it to my family and friends.

I fucked up, not her. My own ego kept me from confessing my kinks to her while we were married. I forced her into the arms of a more capable lover in secret. It's what she deserves honestly. Had I just been open with her, we might still be married today, and I could be living the most intense cuckold lifestyle ever. What if she had really taken to it? What if she got off on humiliating me? What if this would have made our sex life the best it could ever be?

That's all Im left with now. Questions.