New member with years old fantasy

Tom Bauer

Male
Jul 27, 2017
146
237
123
New York
Hello everyone. Just joined this site, and this is everything I ever thought it would be. Due to a high profile job I work, I can't disclose anything that's very personal about myself. But, I'm a 24 year old male, my wife is 22 years old, and from New York State. I have had this fantasy for a long time to see my wife with another man. I got into it when I was 18. My girlfriend at the time cheated on me, and I didn't get mad or upset, I was kinda into it. Needless to say that relationship didn't work out. I met my wife almost five years ago, and we've been married for four years now. I've been wanting to see her play with other men, but that's not something shes into. I've always wanted to see her with a high school friend of hers, as she claimed she was testing me when we first dated, but asking me if it was ok for her and her friend to hook up. I said no, but I secretly wanted to see that. To this day she claims she was making sure I wasn't gonna be a weird guy who wouldn't be loyal in the relationship. Anyways, this is something I think about everyday, and I would love to talk to other people about it.
 
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PittCoupleN

Couple
Jun 15, 2017
16
131
161
60
Pittsburgh, PA
Sounds very much like me and my husband ... all I can say is slow your roll and be patient. If she's like me, most women I suspect, it might be that she isn't so much "not into it" but this early in your relationship she might have doubts about the sincerity of your desire or think there's
some ulterior motive behind them.

I remember back so many years ago when my husband first raised the issue my first thought was; oh sure he just wants an excuse to bang other women. Took him a long time to convince me that he wasn't up to something, time and his commitment to our relationship solved that. Even then I still couldn't wrap my head around the concept, any desire to act got squashed by the voice in my head telling me "married people just do do that stuff, it's wrong" When I finally got to realizing that wasn't voice but everyone else around me I still couldn't believe that if we did something jealousy wouldn't win out and he, I or both of us would end up regretting it. In my case, the only regret I have is that I was so stubborn and waited so long.

Keep presenting the idea, make it the theme of your porn choices, talk about it inside and outside of the bedroom and don't be pushy or bitchy if it takes her awhile to come around. NEVER give her an ultimatum or otherwise upend your relationship because of it. The longer you're together and the more solid your relationship is the more likely she'll start to feel safe about being more adventurous.

Just my .02
 
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Tom Bauer

Male
Jul 27, 2017
146
237
123
New York
Sounds very much like me and my husband ... all I can say is slow your roll and be patient. If she's like me, most women I suspect, it might be that she isn't so much "not into it" but this early in your relationship she might have doubts about the sincerity of your desire or think there's
some ulterior motive behind them.

I remember back so many years ago when my husband first raised the issue my first thought was; oh sure he just wants an excuse to bang other women. Took him a long time to convince me that he wasn't up to something, time and his commitment to our relationship solved that. Even then I still couldn't wrap my head around the concept, any desire to act got squashed by the voice in my head telling me "married people just do do that stuff, it's wrong" When I finally got to realizing that wasn't voice but everyone else around me I still couldn't believe that if we did something jealousy wouldn't win out and he, I or both of us would end up regretting it. In my case, the only regret I have is that I was so stubborn and waited so long.

Keep presenting the idea, make it the theme of your porn choices, talk about it inside and outside of the bedroom and don't be pushy or bitchy if it takes her awhile to come around. NEVER give her an ultimatum or otherwise upend your relationship because of it. The longer you're together and the more solid your relationship is the more likely she'll start to feel safe about being more adventurous.

Just my .02

I appreciate it. I have presented it a few times in the last few years. The furthest I got was her saying maybe when we are older, but another time she said well I'm just not into that type of thing. I don't think she quite realizes how much I think about it. She is very shy. When we go to social functions, she doesn't talk much, even at family get togethers. She's got a long promiscuous past which I like to hear, but the problem is they were all douchebags. I think she's afraid to go out and fool around because she ll get attached or she ll get a fwb whose a jerk and won't want to do it. In the end, I have the hardest time expressing my feelings to her because she shoots it down.
 

PittCoupleN

Couple
Jun 15, 2017
16
131
161
60
Pittsburgh, PA
I think she's afraid to go out and fool around because she ll get attached or she ll get a fwb whose a jerk and won't want to do it. In the end, I have the hardest time expressing my feelings to her because she shoots it down.

I was concerned with some of the very same things and that's why once I gave the green light, our first time was handled is a very specific and methodical way. Although I said up front I would retain veto power and could back out at anytime, our first was with a guy my husband selected and made contact with. He handled all the details and arrangement, met at a neutral location, used only first names, didn't share any specifics about where we worked or lived or anything the person might use to locate us afterward if we didn't want etc etc. Even if I had formed some kind of attachment (or conversely one of us had regrets and the others didn't) there was no way we could have met again without going through my husband. Once we met and I was sure my emotions were in check and it was just a physical/sexual thing we loosed up a bit but not until then. Even then, always be cautious because things can go sideways fast when people close to you become part of your sex life and every bad experience I've heard about went south when one type of intimate relationship turned into another type.

When we talk with others who are seeking advice about how to begin I ALWAYS caution against making the first time(s) with a friend, a co-worker or anyone else there's already a relationship or connection to other parts of our "regular" life with.
 
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Tom Bauer

Male
Jul 27, 2017
146
237
123
New York
I was concerned with some of the very same things and that's why once I gave the green light, our first time was handled is a very specific and methodical way. Although I said up front I would retain veto power and could back out at anytime, our first was with a guy my husband selected and made contact with. He handled all the details and arrangement, met at a neutral location, used only first names, didn't share any specifics about where we worked or lived or anything the person might use to locate us afterward if we didn't want etc etc. Even if I had formed some kind of attachment (or conversely one of us had regrets and the others didn't) there was no way we could have met again without going through my husband. Once we met and I was sure my emotions were in check and it was just a physical/sexual thing we loosed up a bit but not until then. Even then, always be cautious because things can go sideways fast when people close to you become part of your sex life and every bad experience I've heard about went south when one type of intimate relationship turned into another type.

When we talk with others who are seeking advice about how to begin I ALWAYS caution against making the first time(s) with a friend, a co-worker or anyone else there's already a relationship or connection to other parts of our "regular" life with.

That's why I could never say with someone I know. It would be way too awkward. I'd rather it be a stranger but there's dangers in that too. If it was an ex it would be one thing. You know it's funny you say methodically. This whole fantasy of mine is methocal and precise. I want to just catch her sending pictures to a guy and messages too. I'm big into seeing her wear lingerie, and would want to see her wearing it too while it happens. This is something I'm big into, and I've put a lot of detail into it. She regrets her past but I think it's amazing. I know I'm a man and we think about sex a lot, but this something that makes me happy
 

PittCoupleN

Couple
Jun 15, 2017
16
131
161
60
Pittsburgh, PA
"She regrets her past but I think it's amazing."

Not likely, or she would have made sure it stayed hidden from you. She just wants to make sure you don't think badly of her for it and that she's really a "good girl." I used say the same things when I was first married and all the while I was gauging reactions to the things I said to him.

Also, tell her not to wait until you're too old, it's my one big regret. The truth is there's a point at which your age works against you in this as we've found out the hard way. The "cool kids" don't want to play with you when you're over 50 no matter what you look like, the others who started earlier and are your age have their cliche and it's nearly impossible to get in ... very sad :-(

PS, if she's told you about her past while you were having sex or as a prelude to it, you're probably on your way. If not, try to get her to ;-)
 

Tom Bauer

Male
Jul 27, 2017
146
237
123
New York
"She regrets her past but I think it's amazing."

Not likely, or she would have made sure it stayed hidden from you. She just wants to make sure you don't think badly of her for it and that she's really a "good girl." I used say the same things when I was first married and all the while I was gauging reactions to the things I said to him.

Also, tell her not to wait until you're too old, it's my one big regret. The truth is there's a point at which your age works against you in this as we've found out the hard way. The "cool kids" don't want to play with you when you're over 50 no matter what you look like, the others who started earlier and are your age have their cliche and it's nearly impossible to get in ... very sad :-(

PS, if she's told you about her past while you were having sex or as a prelude to it, you're probably on your way. If not, try to get her to ;-)

I think of more things she's told me after you reply lol. One of the things that threw me off was that I would enjoy seeing her getting slammed and what not. This was probably a few months ago. She started to get upset because she said it reminded her of her past when she was used all the time. But then there's times where she ll say that she went to a hotel after she turned 18 and hooked up with an older guy. To me it seems like she was sleeping around for fun at that age. Which, doesn't bother me but I want her to be honest about it. She tries to come of as she was just trying to get a good relationship when I can see it was different. She's talked about her past during sex before but she says it doesn't turn her on and what not but i don't believe her. All I want is honesty if this is something we're going to do. I have my doubts being we haven't done it yet, but I don't want to feel like I'm going to lose her or regret it. The thought of my wife being with other men is arousing, but I don't want to lose what I have.