As I stood waiting to order my drink, out of the corner of my eye a tall man swept in to face my girlfriend - as she waited just barely out of arm's length. He went face-on with her and I saw her smile so big. My blood pressure rose. "This is it." As I waited for my drink trying not to be too obvious that I was watching them, she and he walked towards the front of the club. Just outside they had a smoke. I stood in disbelief. I was constantly scanning my emotions to search for bad or hard feelings. I was flushed in my face - I knew I was excited; not unlike the feeling one gets at the onset of a surprise party - the instant shock and thrill. As they chatted I thought I saw her look up at me, and she was smiling as she talked to the man. Not wanting to creep them out or cock-block the guy - the guy talking to my lover - I moved into the main dance area and found a couch to sit and watch. As the house/techno mix pounded through the speakers above me I sipped my drink feelingg the smile on my face. I carried a quiet happiness and confidence. The anticipation of how I would feel if they came into the dance area and started to dance. Seeing her move around him - seeing his hands on her. Even though I was on my third drink I felt nothing but razor sharp focus. Would she grind him? Would he grab her waist? Would they kiss on the dance floor? Years ago the thought of being in the situation I was in would have killed me. As I grew older I learned to work to separate my love from attachment. I learned and am learning to take joy in the happiness and excitement of my lover. I learned and am learning her happiness is MY happiness. Fully realizing she is her own person and I am my own person, we are embracing feelings of attraction we may have with and for others. Our love is solidly paving the way for us to feel actual excitement for our individual sexual experiences. Realizing another man's sex would absolutely give her things I am unable - maybe he's bigger than me; maybe his technique is different; maybe his body is just that much better - could be anything. But to see her get to experience the taboo - the forbidden but secretly-desired attraction....well, that just makes my day. That is where I grow my selfless love for her. Maybe ten minutes later my lover appeared alone. He seemed nice, she said, but he wasn't her type - not to the point she might consider having sex with him with me, so she mentioned her boyfriend and he backed off immediately. If he had been her type, she would have spent time explaining the particulars of our relationship.
We kissed. We danced. And I have to say, we were easily the most-fun dancing couple in the club. Everyone NOT she or me was missing out getting to dance with me..or her.
See - that's the thing with the dynamic of me and my girlfriend. Our sexuality and our sexual desires do not define us in the way that those desires control us. Everything we do is for the sake of the other. She wants to experience another body or two in bed - of course - but if she didnt share that with me, or me share it with her, the experience would feel tarnished, would feel shallow. We'll keep going out - we will keep seeing what happens.
We kissed. We danced. And I have to say, we were easily the most-fun dancing couple in the club. Everyone NOT she or me was missing out getting to dance with me..or her.
See - that's the thing with the dynamic of me and my girlfriend. Our sexuality and our sexual desires do not define us in the way that those desires control us. Everything we do is for the sake of the other. She wants to experience another body or two in bed - of course - but if she didnt share that with me, or me share it with her, the experience would feel tarnished, would feel shallow. We'll keep going out - we will keep seeing what happens.
