The best and easy way to convince your wife

[Plumplover]

Hello there,

I know many men here have already explained how they convinced their wife to become a Hotwife. I want to share my own experience, because I believe most women actually would enjoy this lifestyle—if only they could overcome the heavy obstacles in their mind.

From my point of view, the desire is there in almost every woman, but it’s buried under layers of education, guilt, insecurity, and fear. Let me explain.

⸻

The Two Biggest Obstacles
1. Cultural conditioning.
We live in a world where monogamy is the default. Everything else is branded “weird,” “unhealthy,” or a sign that the couple doesn’t truly love each other. Women are raised with the idea that even thinking about another man is shameful.
2. Self-image and confidence.
Most women struggle with insecurities. They think they’re too big, too small, not pretty enough, breasts not right, body not good enough. In fact, I believe 99% of women don’t fully love themselves. That insecurity makes the idea of being desired by another man feel threatening, not empowering.

My wife was a perfect example. When I met her, I thought she was absolute perfection. She didn’t believe it. Her ex-boyfriends had insulted her, called her fat, told her to lose weight. Years of cruel words destroyed her self-esteem. She truly believed she was ugly, unworthy, undesirable.

And yet, I had been fantasizing about sharing my wife long before we married. After the wedding, I thought: “She’s the love of my life—surely she’ll accept my fantasy.” So I told her.

She listened. She acknowledged it was something I wanted. But for her? It wasn’t exciting at all. In fact, it made her uncomfortable. The more I tried to bring it up, the colder she became about it.

That’s when an older guy (65) I met on a forum told me bluntly: “You’re doing it wrong. Keep pushing like this, and she’ll never say yes.” He had decades of experience, even shared videos of his wife in gangbangs. He became my mentor. I followed his advice step by step, without questioning. And it changed everything.

So let me share this method with you.

⸻

The Method (detailed step-by-step)

STEP 1. Forget your fantasy (for now).

For the next few months, stop talking about seeing her with another man. Act like the thought doesn’t exist anymore. If she feels pressure, she’ll resist forever.

This isn’t about manipulation—it’s about giving her space to breathe, while you prepare the ground in a smarter way.

⸻

STEP 2. Build her confidence (the foundation).

This is the most important part. If you skip it, nothing else will ever work.

Start a playful game: “I dare you to be more sexy for me.”

Every day, challenge her gently to step just a little outside her comfort zone:
• If she never wears lace underwear → ask her to try it.
• If she always wears pants → dare her to wear a dress.
• If she already wears dresses → dare her to try a shorter one, or no bra under it.

The golden rule: it must always be “for you.”

Then, each time she does it, reward her with the A–F system:
• A. Notice and exaggerate: “Wow, I love that dress on you!”
• B. Thank her: “It means so much that you did this for me.”
• C. Tell her she’s more beautiful.
• D. Tell her she excites you more.
• E. Tell her you love her more because of it.
• F. Show it in bed (or as soon as you can).

You must overplay your reaction. Make her feel like every little effort is a huge turn-on for you.

What happens in her mind?
She realizes: “That was easy. He loved it. He loves me more. He wants me more.” She’ll begin wanting to play the game.

With my wife, it became natural—she started asking: “What do you want me to wear today?” Within weeks, she had transformed her entire style. Even grocery shopping became an occasion for her to dress sexy. Our sex life exploded.

⸻

STEP 3. Introduce “outside attention.”

Once she dresses more confidently, start pointing out (or inventing) moments when other men notice her:
• “Wow, did you see how those guys were staring at you?”
• “That man couldn’t take his eyes off your legs.”

It doesn’t matter if it’s true. The point is to make her believe she is attracting attention.

Later, in bed, reinforce it:
• AA. Remind her that men were looking at her.
• BB. Tell her that it turns you on.
• CC. Say she looks even more beautiful when others desire her.
• DD. Say you want her more when men notice her.
• EE. Tell her you’re proud of her and love her more.
• FF. Fuck her passionately while repeating AA–EE.
• GG. After sex, cuddle and repeat the praise.

What happens in her mind?
She begins associating: “Dressing sexy → other men desire me → my husband loves it → he fucks me harder → he loves me more.”

Soon she will tease men on purpose, enjoying their looks. Her self-confidence will skyrocket.

⸻

STEP 4. Normalize the fantasy.

Now she’s more confident, playful, and used to outside attention. This is the moment to carefully bring in your fantasy—slowly, indirectly, and always in a fun, sexy way.

Do it during sex, when she’s highly aroused. Examples:
• Ask who the hottest man she saw today was.
• Ask which actor she’d ...... with if she could.
• Give her dildo a celebrity’s name and play with that idea.
• Ask playful threesome questions: “Would you prefer someone taller than me? Younger? More experienced?”

The trick: do it as a game and at moments of high arousal, so her brain links orgasm with the idea of another man.

For us, once I started weaving these questions into sex, the taboo disappeared. She started enjoying the fantasy too.

⸻

STEP 5. Explore her tastes.

When she’s comfortable, show her pictures of potential partners—but only the best candidates matching her preferences. Never overload her.

For example, my wife’s criteria were: tall, muscular, over 30, dominant, well-endowed, and experienced. I only showed her men that ticked every box.

Only show them during sex, never casually. This keeps it exciting and erotic.

⸻

STEP 6. Let her take the final step.

If you’ve done everything right, the shift will happen naturally. One day, she will be the one saying: “Why don’t we try it with this guy?”

⸻

My Results

I didn’t invent this method. I simply followed it with patience and discipline. It worked perfectly for me.

Within 2–3 months, my wife had transformed from insecure and resistant into confident, sexy, and open. She started wearing miniskirts without bras to restaurants, teasing waiters, and enjoying the attention. Our sex life reached another level.

We are still beginners (only two threesomes so far), but she is now the one excited to try more. And best of all, she feels more beautiful, more confident, and more desired than ever before.

⸻

👉 This is a long process. It requires patience, consistency, and genuine care for her self-esteem. But if you follow it step by step, it works.

Great advice! I've recently persuaded her to dress a bit sluttier when we go out and bought her some new thongs. I'm starting to get her there now. Thank you.

 

[Stevens4fun]

Luck, timing, right situation, and previous experiences heavily influence how couples approach the idea of the wife enjoying other men, in my view. It's going to play differently for newbies than it will for married or previously married couples. For some of us, there's no "convincing" needed. And for some of us, we are too knew in the relationship to understand that our wife may be harboring some of the same desires - bringing it up is a huge mountain to climb. How well do you really know your wife?

As noted elsewhere in this discussion, I've experienced how beneficial it is for hubby to NOT pressure his wife. If hubby's interests become a campaign, she will never play. - she'll just resent it when hubby brings it up and it becomes a power play in the marriage. You don't want to go there.

My wife told me I was putting too much pressure on her, - that she wanted to fuck a certain guy, but "let me handle it at my own pace, and all of your dreams will come true" is what she said to me. It was later that she told me she already had one BF she wanted to continue with if I could "live with it," - "if not, she'd cut it off," she said. So there it was. Time for me to come clean - she'd articulated what she was thinking in general terms - a bold step on her part. I told her I'd be highly aroused if she continued with him, and my rapidly growing cock told her all she needed to know. Men who haven't yet experienced this stuff will have a hard time internalizing this sort of thing, I'm sure. Just know: at some point in time, both partners in the marriage have to articulate what it is that they think they want, without fear of reprisals.

I was lucky and my wife would also say she was lucky that she'd experienced multiple partner scenarios before we met (so it's a timing factor as well - seredipity, some might say), and she liked what happened. While there's so many ways that luck plays a factor, there's way too many different situations in play to discuss them all but discussing previous fun times opens up the possibilities in some cases.

Once we've been married and experienced a few years of married life it becomes easier to talk about sharing or what some call "hotwife" arrangements. As my soon-to-be-wife and I were dating, our previous marriage seasoning/experiences made it easy to talk about what we'd experienced and what we'd like to experience. At that point: It's not so awkward to tell our wife about the erotic stuff we think about, and she'll be more comfortable telling hubby about her best sex ever and all the stuff she wants to try. My wife was comfortable telling me before we married (but after we'd had sex many times) that her "best sex ever" was with a BF she was still seeing once a month. It helped that we were naked in bed and we'd had a couple of glasses of wine as we began our foreplay with hot talk. We were learning how to push each other's buttons.

Luck and timing, right situation: second marriage for both of us. We'd agreed that she was open to multiple men scenarios - small gang bangs as some would say, but with the right guys. Not as a regular thing, but it sure would be sexy and fun, she said. She'd experienced DP (and loved it, she said) but her desire was "a man on each breast, a man in her at the same time, and hard guys waiting." We'd also agreed that whether or not I was there or aware of it, she would move ahead if the opportunity was there. It happened about a year into our marriage after a corporate management meeting in a business suite at an airport Marriott. There'd been sexy talk during the breaks in the meeting and one of the guys asked her if she'd be open to joining them for drinks afterwards. After top management left, clothes came off and the fun started. They were three hours into it when I finally arrived. Long story short, after the last of the four guys who actually fucked her was just starting to finish in her (on the couch in the big meeting room) the previous two were getting dressed to leave - that's when I came in. I fucked her while they watched, but she asked me to "please make it fast, I'm really sore, and I need to go home." I granted her wish. It was easy, - I'd just watched a guy finish in her and when she opened her legs to invite me to take her, the visual was glorious. Thats the part that's addicting. Be ready......

 

[chapelhill154]

Thanks for the advice. I am about 6 weeks in. It is going ok, but I have to admit it is a lot harder to be patient with this method than I thought it would be. I also find myself frustrated when she thinks she is dressing sexy, but the outfit is average. It seems she is great at wearing a sexy bra and sexy panties, but not great with what she wears over top. Any suggestions? Also, would it help or hurt if I suggest an outfit for her? My wife has a great sex drive and is amazing in bed; however, I don’t feel confident that she will make the leap to mmf. I am not totally convinced this will work, but it is definitely worth trying.

 

[triciawest1970]

Thanks for the advice. I am about 6 weeks in. It is going ok, but I have to admit it is a lot harder to be patient with this method than I thought it would be. I also find myself frustrated when she thinks she is dressing sexy, but the outfit is average. It seems she is great at wearing a sexy bra and sexy panties, but not great with what she wears over top. Any suggestions? Also, would it help or hurt if I suggest an outfit for her? My wife has a great sex drive and is amazing in bed; however, I don’t feel confident that she will make the leap to mmf. I am not totally convinced this will work, but it is definitely worth trying.

I had to have the conversation last night to let things happen organically and not to push it and it would happen (with my husband). So, that would be my thoughts on this situation also.

 

[Fl2play]

I had to have the conversation last night to let things happen organically and not to push it and it would happen (with my husband). So, that would be my thoughts on this situation also.

Exactly... last thing you want to do is forse it on her..
Is she open to nude/topless clubs with you?? That's another suggestion I've used successfully to build her self confidence..

 

[chapelhill154]

No, she doesn’t have interest in those clubs. I feel like one of the biggest hurdles is getting her to the point where she enjoys the attention from other men. She is pretty conservative.

 

[Fl2play]

No, she doesn’t have interest in those clubs. I feel like one of the biggest hurdles is getting her to the point where she enjoys the attention from other men. She is pretty conservative.

Well good luck and stay the course... lifestyle clubs will definitely boost her self image..

 

[RoseandArt]

Hello there,

I know many men here have already explained how they convinced their wife to become a Hotwife. I want to share my own experience, because I believe most women actually would enjoy this lifestyle—if only they could overcome the heavy obstacles in their mind.

From my point of view, the desire is there in almost every woman, but it’s buried under layers of education, guilt, insecurity, and fear. Let me explain.

⸻

The Two Biggest Obstacles
1. Cultural conditioning.
We live in a world where monogamy is the default. Everything else is branded “weird,” “unhealthy,” or a sign that the couple doesn’t truly love each other. Women are raised with the idea that even thinking about another man is shameful.
2. Self-image and confidence.
Most women struggle with insecurities. They think they’re too big, too small, not pretty enough, breasts not right, body not good enough. In fact, I believe 99% of women don’t fully love themselves. That insecurity makes the idea of being desired by another man feel threatening, not empowering.

My wife was a perfect example. When I met her, I thought she was absolute perfection. She didn’t believe it. Her ex-boyfriends had insulted her, called her fat, told her to lose weight. Years of cruel words destroyed her self-esteem. She truly believed she was ugly, unworthy, undesirable.

And yet, I had been fantasizing about sharing my wife long before we married. After the wedding, I thought: “She’s the love of my life—surely she’ll accept my fantasy.” So I told her.

She listened. She acknowledged it was something I wanted. But for her? It wasn’t exciting at all. In fact, it made her uncomfortable. The more I tried to bring it up, the colder she became about it.

That’s when an older guy (65) I met on a forum told me bluntly: “You’re doing it wrong. Keep pushing like this, and she’ll never say yes.” He had decades of experience, even shared videos of his wife in gangbangs. He became my mentor. I followed his advice step by step, without questioning. And it changed everything.

So let me share this method with you.

⸻

The Method (detailed step-by-step)

STEP 1. Forget your fantasy (for now).

For the next few months, stop talking about seeing her with another man. Act like the thought doesn’t exist anymore. If she feels pressure, she’ll resist forever.

This isn’t about manipulation—it’s about giving her space to breathe, while you prepare the ground in a smarter way.

⸻

STEP 2. Build her confidence (the foundation).

This is the most important part. If you skip it, nothing else will ever work.

Start a playful game: “I dare you to be more sexy for me.”

Every day, challenge her gently to step just a little outside her comfort zone:
• If she never wears lace underwear → ask her to try it.
• If she always wears pants → dare her to wear a dress.
• If she already wears dresses → dare her to try a shorter one, or no bra under it.

The golden rule: it must always be “for you.”

Then, each time she does it, reward her with the A–F system:
• A. Notice and exaggerate: “Wow, I love that dress on you!”
• B. Thank her: “It means so much that you did this for me.”
• C. Tell her she’s more beautiful.
• D. Tell her she excites you more.
• E. Tell her you love her more because of it.
• F. Show it in bed (or as soon as you can).

You must overplay your reaction. Make her feel like every little effort is a huge turn-on for you.

What happens in her mind?
She realizes: “That was easy. He loved it. He loves me more. He wants me more.” She’ll begin wanting to play the game.

With my wife, it became natural—she started asking: “What do you want me to wear today?” Within weeks, she had transformed her entire style. Even grocery shopping became an occasion for her to dress sexy. Our sex life exploded.

⸻

STEP 3. Introduce “outside attention.”

Once she dresses more confidently, start pointing out (or inventing) moments when other men notice her:
• “Wow, did you see how those guys were staring at you?”
• “That man couldn’t take his eyes off your legs.”

It doesn’t matter if it’s true. The point is to make her believe she is attracting attention.

Later, in bed, reinforce it:
• AA. Remind her that men were looking at her.
• BB. Tell her that it turns you on.
• CC. Say she looks even more beautiful when others desire her.
• DD. Say you want her more when men notice her.
• EE. Tell her you’re proud of her and love her more.
• FF. Fuck her passionately while repeating AA–EE.
• GG. After sex, cuddle and repeat the praise.

What happens in her mind?
She begins associating: “Dressing sexy → other men desire me → my husband loves it → he fucks me harder → he loves me more.”

Soon she will tease men on purpose, enjoying their looks. Her self-confidence will skyrocket.

⸻

STEP 4. Normalize the fantasy.

Now she’s more confident, playful, and used to outside attention. This is the moment to carefully bring in your fantasy—slowly, indirectly, and always in a fun, sexy way.

Do it during sex, when she’s highly aroused. Examples:
• Ask who the hottest man she saw today was.
• Ask which actor she’d ...... with if she could.
• Give her dildo a celebrity’s name and play with that idea.
• Ask playful threesome questions: “Would you prefer someone taller than me? Younger? More experienced?”

The trick: do it as a game and at moments of high arousal, so her brain links orgasm with the idea of another man.

For us, once I started weaving these questions into sex, the taboo disappeared. She started enjoying the fantasy too.

⸻

STEP 5. Explore her tastes.

When she’s comfortable, show her pictures of potential partners—but only the best candidates matching her preferences. Never overload her.

For example, my wife’s criteria were: tall, muscular, over 30, dominant, well-endowed, and experienced. I only showed her men that ticked every box.

Only show them during sex, never casually. This keeps it exciting and erotic.

⸻

STEP 6. Let her take the final step.

If you’ve done everything right, the shift will happen naturally. One day, she will be the one saying: “Why don’t we try it with this guy?”

⸻

My Results

I didn’t invent this method. I simply followed it with patience and discipline. It worked perfectly for me.

Within 2–3 months, my wife had transformed from insecure and resistant into confident, sexy, and open. She started wearing miniskirts without bras to restaurants, teasing waiters, and enjoying the attention. Our sex life reached another level.

We are still beginners (only two threesomes so far), but she is now the one excited to try more. And best of all, she feels more beautiful, more confident, and more desired than ever before.

⸻

👉 This is a long process. It requires patience, consistency, and genuine care for her self-esteem. But if you follow it step by step, it works.

Like this advice very much. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Fl2play]

Ounce my lady was ok with me having dirty magazines. She told me later that she would look at them and play with herself and she liked that we both could get off to the same thing. That originally loosened her up to being attracted to other women and not feeling guilty about wanting to feel a cock the size in the magazines. We still enjoy looking at magazines.View attachment 2884028

Hugh Hefner and Larry Flynt were true pioneers 👍

 

[bensanderson]

Luck, timing, right situation, and previous experiences heavily influence how couples approach the idea of the wife enjoying other men, in my view. It's going to play differently for newbies than it will for married or previously married couples. For some of us, there's no "convincing" needed. And for some of us, we are too knew in the relationship to understand that our wife may be harboring some of the same desires - bringing it up is a huge mountain to climb. How well do you really know your wife?

As noted elsewhere in this discussion, I've experienced how beneficial it is for hubby to NOT pressure his wife. If hubby's interests become a campaign, she will never play. - she'll just resent it when hubby brings it up and it becomes a power play in the marriage. You don't want to go there.

My wife told me I was putting too much pressure on her, - that she wanted to fuck a certain guy, but "let me handle it at my own pace, and all of your dreams will come true" is what she said to me. It was later that she told me she already had one BF she wanted to continue with if I could "live with it," - "if not, she'd cut it off," she said. So there it was. Time for me to come clean - she'd articulated what she was thinking in general terms - a bold step on her part. I told her I'd be highly aroused if she continued with him, and my rapidly growing cock told her all she needed to know. Men who haven't yet experienced this stuff will have a hard time internalizing this sort of thing, I'm sure. Just know: at some point in time, both partners in the marriage have to articulate what it is that they think they want, without fear of reprisals.

I was lucky and my wife would also say she was lucky that she'd experienced multiple partner scenarios before we met (so it's a timing factor as well - seredipity, some might say), and she liked what happened. While there's so many ways that luck plays a factor, there's way too many different situations in play to discuss them all but discussing previous fun times opens up the possibilities in some cases.

Once we've been married and experienced a few years of married life it becomes easier to talk about sharing or what some call "hotwife" arrangements. As my soon-to-be-wife and I were dating, our previous marriage seasoning/experiences made it easy to talk about what we'd experienced and what we'd like to experience. At that point: It's not so awkward to tell our wife about the erotic stuff we think about, and she'll be more comfortable telling hubby about her best sex ever and all the stuff she wants to try. My wife was comfortable telling me before we married (but after we'd had sex many times) that her "best sex ever" was with a BF she was still seeing once a month. It helped that we were naked in bed and we'd had a couple of glasses of wine as we began our foreplay with hot talk. We were learning how to push each other's buttons.

Luck and timing, right situation: second marriage for both of us. We'd agreed that she was open to multiple men scenarios - small gang bangs as some would say, but with the right guys. Not as a regular thing, but it sure would be sexy and fun, she said. She'd experienced DP (and loved it, she said) but her desire was "a man on each breast, a man in her at the same time, and hard guys waiting." We'd also agreed that whether or not I was there or aware of it, she would move ahead if the opportunity was there. It happened about a year into our marriage after a corporate management meeting in a business suite at an airport Marriott. There'd been sexy talk during the breaks in the meeting and one of the guys asked her if she'd be open to joining them for drinks afterwards. After top management left, clothes came off and the fun started. They were three hours into it when I finally arrived. Long story short, after the last of the four guys who actually fucked her was just starting to finish in her (on the couch in the big meeting room) the previous two were getting dressed to leave - that's when I came in. I fucked her while they watched, but she asked me to "please make it fast, I'm really sore, and I need to go home." I granted her wish. It was easy, - I'd just watched a guy finish in her and when she opened her legs to invite me to take her, the visual was glorious. Thats the part that's addicting. Be ready......

 

[Polariodcouple]

There is no convincing your wife.i'm a woman . i love cock.always have,if your wife is not into it you will not "convince" her ...have a wank and ...... on it

 

[Locked]

There is no convincing your wife.i'm a woman . i love cock.always have,if your wife is not into it you will not "convince" her ...have a wank and ...... on it

Unfortunately I have to agree. I don't want to agree. I want to hope convincing is possible, but everything points out you are right and there is no convincing.

 

[vader 77]

Superb post.

Secrecy another big part; not doing it in your hometown seems important. The cultural prejudice is so extreme in the US at least that you must assuge her fears of anyone she knows discovering the lifestyle.

I couldn’t agree more my wife and I do it well on vacation so there’s no chance that you’ll ever run into these guys again

 

[fmrdancer]

This is helpful. My wife had mentioned threesomes and being with other men years ago but I didn’t have the self confidence to explore. Now years later she’s quite conservative and self conscious. I’d love to help her see how being with another man satisfies her needs and mine too…she was used to older sexual men.

 

[hotwifeisa88]

Thanks for the advice. I am about 6 weeks in. It is going ok, but I have to admit it is a lot harder to be patient with this method than I thought it would be. I also find myself frustrated when she thinks she is dressing sexy, but the outfit is average. It seems she is great at wearing a sexy bra and sexy panties, but not great with what she wears over top. Any suggestions? Also, would it help or hurt if I suggest an outfit for her? My wife has a great sex drive and is amazing in bed; however, I don’t feel confident that she will make the leap to mmf. I am not totally convinced this will work, but it is definitely worth trying.

Each time she is making an effort (even if it is only wearing a sexier bra), you need to thank her and tell her how it turns you on. It is great to introduce the “I dare you to wear this skirt” or “I dare you to wear this tight pants”. It has to become a game and you can add the reward like “if you do it, you will win a 5 min foot massage” (or anything that she likes). For my wife, the foot massage we’re working perfectly and she was negotiating for more massage time. I was telling her, if you want 10 min foot massage, then wear this tight short skirt and you will get it. It helps a lot when it becomes a game between the 2 of you. Each time she will dress sexy, she will know that you think that she is more attractive, more sexy, more beautiful, that you want to fuck her more, that you love her more + she can get a bonus reward. She will become addicted.
Don’t forget that sometimes, they are simply not in the mood and wait for the next opportunity…
Only fun, never becoming a constraint

 

[hotwifeisa88]

No, she doesn’t have interest in those clubs. I feel like one of the biggest hurdles is getting her to the point where she enjoys the attention from other men. She is pretty conservative.

Be patient, you cannot move a mountain, but you can easily move a small rock. Over time, huge changes!

 

[WifeBreeder]

I told my wife I had a dream of her as a silhouette in background getting fucked by someone from behind. Her voice was heard saying hurry take me. I told her I wasnt sure if I was fucking her as it looked like I was third person view.

She got so wet as i told her and I said as long as she was fulfilled I was happy. That response got her so horny

 

[coastalkid]

I can definitely say with extreme confidence that the two major obstacles you mentioned are a fact for me. Cultural conditioning and self-image have been like the Great Wall of China for me/us. My wife was raised in very conservative Evangelical Christian household and even though she isn't as devout as her parents the conditioning and the social expectations made anything outside the "norm" inconceivable.

I asked, like many husbands and bfs do, do you have any sexual fantasies? Her reply was NO. She instead said that she fantasies about about being "wooed", as in hand holding, being in romantic settings and places, but nothing sexual. I discovered that if I sincerely focused on being and doing those intimate things and suppressed the sexual expectation they did not translate into her sexual arousal.

I'm not reluctant to being intimate or sensitive. I often buy my wife flowers or get her a card or pick up some special treat from the grocery store. She always is quick to say, "Aw! You're so sweet!", and follows with kisses and hugs. I know everything isn't about sex and being too transparent about "doing something to get something" is counterproductive. Still, even when I'm just doing whatever to be nice because it feels good to do something nice for someone else, it never gets mentioned/credit as motivation for her to sex with me.

I get that those things that she says she wants, the wooing, the intimacy makes her happy. I like doing those things because I'm that kind of guy. So, I'm not reluctantly going along just to get what I want. I've come to realize that my wife has suppressed even thinking about being horny because it is associated with taboos identified by her conservative Christian upbringing. It feels like she's been conditioned to reject feeling horny because it's "dirty"!

We've made some progress though. Her parents have passed on. She no longer goes to church. Her attitude has relaxed. We have more privacy. We have more frequent sex. She knows and teases me about me wanting her to be a hot wife and uses it as fuel for dirty talk in bed. She actually has undeniable fun teasing me with her words. She knows if she wants me to cum all she has to do is start making up a story and BOOM! She's in complete control! Still, she is never "horny", or if she is she is really good at not showing it.

Unfortunately, the other obstacle is the physical self image. We're older now. Despite my incessant praise and denial of her perceived flaws, my wife lacks confidence in her appearance. The only thing I've found that helps is that if she gets the motivation to get in better shape I support her. She likes walking for exercise and I go on neighborhood walks with her. I would never tell her to join a gym/fitness club unless it was her idea. I wouldn't want to risk her generating thoughts that I see her as needing it and further entrench any insecurity.

Social conditioning and self image have been monumental unanticipated challenges. I wish I knew then what I know now! I've had my hands full with those two issues! That would seem like enough but adding postpartum depression and menopause just made a difficult path feel like an impasse! As much as I think I want a hot wife, I'm just thankful I have a wife that enjoys sex when she wants it. The stars just don't align for everyone no matter how hard you try or what the steps are. I don't doubt the method you shared works but no method is 100%, right?

 

[hotwifeisa88]

I can definitely say with extreme confidence that the two major obstacles you mentioned are a fact for me. Cultural conditioning and self-image have been like the Great Wall of China for me/us. My wife was raised in very conservative Evangelical Christian household and even though she isn't as devout as her parents the conditioning and the social expectations made anything outside the "norm" inconceivable.

I asked, like many husbands and bfs do, do you have any sexual fantasies? Her reply was NO. She instead said that she fantasies about about being "wooed", as in hand holding, being in romantic settings and places, but nothing sexual. I discovered that if I sincerely focused on being and doing those intimate things and suppressed the sexual expectation they did not translate into her sexual arousal.

I'm not reluctant to being intimate or sensitive. I often buy my wife flowers or get her a card or pick up some special treat from the grocery store. She always is quick to say, "Aw! You're so sweet!", and follows with kisses and hugs. I know everything isn't about sex and being too transparent about "doing something to get something" is counterproductive. Still, even when I'm just doing whatever to be nice because it feels good to do something nice for someone else, it never gets mentioned/credit as motivation for her to sex with me.

I get that those things that she says she wants, the wooing, the intimacy makes her happy. I like doing those things because I'm that kind of guy. So, I'm not reluctantly going along just to get what I want. I've come to realize that my wife has suppressed even thinking about being horny because it is associated with taboos identified by her conservative Christian upbringing. It feels like she's been conditioned to reject feeling horny because it's "dirty"!

We've made some progress though. Her parents have passed on. She no longer goes to church. Her attitude has relaxed. We have more privacy. We have more frequent sex. She knows and teases me about me wanting her to be a hot wife and uses it as fuel for dirty talk in bed. She actually has undeniable fun teasing me with her words. She knows if she wants me to cum all she has to do is start making up a story and BOOM! She's in complete control! Still, she is never "horny", or if she is she is really good at not showing it.

Unfortunately, the other obstacle is the physical self image. We're older now. Despite my incessant praise and denial of her perceived flaws, my wife lacks confidence in her appearance. The only thing I've found that helps is that if she gets the motivation to get in better shape I support her. She likes walking for exercise and I go on neighborhood walks with her. I would never tell her to join a gym/fitness club unless it was her idea. I wouldn't want to risk her generating thoughts that I see her as needing it and further entrench any insecurity.

Social conditioning and self image have been monumental unanticipated challenges. I wish I knew then what I know now! I've had my hands full with those two issues! That would seem like enough but adding postpartum depression and menopause just made a difficult path feel like an impasse! As much as I think I want a hot wife, I'm just thankful I have a wife that enjoys sex when she wants it. The stars just don't align for everyone no matter how hard you try or what the steps are. I don't doubt the method you shared works but no method is 100%, right?

Wow, thank you for sharing all of this.

Life comes with challenges that we often don’t anticipate, and they can heavily affect intimacy and the dynamics within a couple. I also agree, we all wish we knew earlier what we only understand years later.

I appreciate forums like this because they allow us to share experiences and learn from one another. It helps to see patterns and solutions that others have already tested.

My wife also went through postpartum depression, which slowed things down for quite a while. I supported her through the process, and what helped us was creating a simple “game” between us: I would gently dare her to make a small effort toward feeling more confident or sexy, and in return I would clearly show her how much that effort meant to me — that she looked more beautiful, more attractive, that it turned me on, and that it made me feel closer to her. That positive reinforcement helped her rebuild confidence step by step.

From my point of view, with your wife’s low self-confidence and cultural conditioning, the key is to keep things extremely light and accessible. Start with very small dares. If she tries but isn’t in a sexual mood, just thank her for the effort and let her know it matters to you. That alone reinforces confidence.

If she doesn’t make the effort, it’s not a problem, but she simply gets less of the “reward”: fewer comments like “you’re beautiful,” “you’re turning me on,” or “I love you” Not as a punishment, just a natural balance based on the dynamic you’re both building.

It’s a subtle equilibrium, but exaggerating your positive reaction when she does take a step in that direction can really help her gradually reconnect with her own sexuality.

 

[coastalkid]

Wow, thank you for sharing all of this.

Life comes with challenges that we often don’t anticipate, and they can heavily affect intimacy and the dynamics within a couple. I also agree, we all wish we knew earlier what we only understand years later.

I appreciate forums like this because they allow us to share experiences and learn from one another. It helps to see patterns and solutions that others have already tested.

My wife also went through postpartum depression, which slowed things down for quite a while. I supported her through the process, and what helped us was creating a simple “game” between us: I would gently dare her to make a small effort toward feeling more confident or sexy, and in return I would clearly show her how much that effort meant to me — that she looked more beautiful, more attractive, that it turned me on, and that it made me feel closer to her. That positive reinforcement helped her rebuild confidence step by step.

From my point of view, with your wife’s low self-confidence and cultural conditioning, the key is to keep things extremely light and accessible. Start with very small dares. If she tries but isn’t in a sexual mood, just thank her for the effort and let her know it matters to you. That alone reinforces confidence.

If she doesn’t make the effort, it’s not a problem, but she simply gets less of the “reward”: fewer comments like “you’re beautiful,” “you’re turning me on,” or “I love you” Not as a punishment, just a natural balance based on the dynamic you’re both building.

It’s a subtle equilibrium, but exaggerating your positive reaction when she does take a step in that direction can really help her gradually reconnect with her own sexuality.

Life can throw a lot at you and often times more than one thing at a time. I do try to keep things light. I appreciate that she can have fun with my hot wife fantasy. It's much better than being shamed for the thought. And the truth is my wife enjoys and does more sexually than she ever has. Some people don't shed their inhibitions as quickly as others. I still can't see her ever giving it a try (being a hot wife), but they way she "talks" in bed you'd think she already has. I'm happy to be where I'm at. Everything has been increasingly positive and fun. I wish it hadn't taken so long. I remain forever hopeful and 100% cooperative!

Thank you for you kind and well thought out reply! I envy what you have!