Why is my wife doing this?

evliaktif

Male
From
Germany
My wife and I are both around 31 years old. We’ve been together for a very long time, starting from when we were dating. We’re a small but happy family with two kids. My wife is a bit conservative and not particularly highly sexed. So if you’re imagining she jumps on me if we haven’t had sex for a few weeks, that’s not the case. Yes, she gets horny, but for her sex is more like dessert after a meal — she can easily do without it.

I first opened up about my cuckold feelings to her while we were engaged, during sex. In that moment she immediately joined in and we talked about how another imaginary man would touch her and fuck her. The conversation was incredibly hot and it didn’t feel like I was leading it at all. It was like a river current — both of us were just carried away and neither wanted to get out.

About a week after that session we had a huge fight. After that, these fantasies came and went. Sometimes we wouldn’t mention it for months, sometimes we talked about it every time we had sex. Roughly 7 years have passed with these fantasy-filled conversations. There were times I thought she would actually accept it one day, and many times I felt completely hopeless. But now, for quite a while, we don’t argue about these talks at all — I think she’s really gotten used to them.

However, in the last year some very interesting things started happening during these talks. A few times, completely on her own initiative, she brought up her ex-boyfriend. They never had real sex, but she had seen his dick many times on .... After that, a few times she couldn’t get off during normal sex — she just couldn’t reach orgasm. Then she closed her eyes, clearly imagined something, and came incredibly hard. She has never told me what she was thinking about.

Normally she’s not a very sexual woman, but during some of these fantasy talks she gets so wet and so turned on that I’m certain I’ve never seen her that horny before. When I ask her about it she completely denies everything. She says “I was imagining you, I don’t want another man” or “I get horny because you’re horny.”

My head is all over the place. Sometimes I genuinely feel like she wants it for real, but the next day she turns into the same woman who won’t give an inch. I feel undecided and helpless.

What do you think I should do? How should I proceed?

Ps:
I know I’m supposed to talk to her about it. But unfortunately that advice doesn’t work for me at all. The moment this topic comes up, she shuts it down instantly and cuts the conversation dead. So sadly, “just talk to her” isn’t actually helpful advice in my case. I need something else—another way to solve this mystery and to reach/catch that woman who’s hiding inside her
 
Look if she won't talk about it with you, there is absolutely nothing any complete stranger from the internet can do.

Also, it is actually not uncommon at all for fantasy role play to be very exciting for a partner but that absolutely does not mean they actually want the fantasy to become real. Sometimes fantasies are just fantasies.
 
Look if she won't talk about it with you, there is absolutely nothing any complete stranger from the internet can do.

Also, it is actually not uncommon at all for fantasy role play to be very exciting for a partner but that absolutely does not mean they actually want the fantasy to become real. Sometimes fantasies are just fantasies.
So, the changing perspective over the years, the changing attitude towards this fantasy. Are these insignificant?
 
I understand. I guess I wanted to believe that things were different. That's why I interpreted everything differently.
You say your ability to communicate about sex is not good, but on occasion you both are able to talk some fantasy, from a female perspective, first when she is open to these comments or suggestions, I think you need to expand on these opportunities, expanding on her perspective and moments of lust or excitement, never miss an opportunity to encourage more even if only a little or slight advance, you have planted the seed, and although she is not all in you must continue to nurture the idea, little by little, I know as a man this is a hard concept, men! You always want everything right now. ( A lady in public and a whore in bed!) this is not most women. Be patient and broaden the topic every chance you get, the more the idea is presented to her, the closer she will think about it and in time become willing to explore the subject. I also question are you sure you are ready for this. As they say; Pandora’s Box! Once you open it you may not be able to close it. Open this door and there may be no turning back. Are you ready to have a wife, ready to make love to a lover, but not to her husband. If lucky it will open up her sexuality and your sex life may improve, but it could go the other way and she is willing to give herself sexually to a bull a lover, but not to you! Perhaps the true or final act of cuckold, but as long as you are up for this to go down a road you are yet to understand, then do not give up on expanding her limited fantasy.
 
Unfortunately

She doesn't drink alcohol. She drinks in some situations, but she never drinks more than one glass 🙁
Uhh, sorry dude, this might be hopeless then haha...

You sound like you have a similar model wife as mine, in terms of how she is off and on, won't talk directly about stuff. Mine is fairly horny though but, I think for pretty much all women in a secure relationship, sex is, as you say, a dessert and not a meal, that they can go without for quite a long time.

Part of it is that I think men have more innate libido and women's is more circumstantial. You describe your "happy family" - well, unfortunately, that happiness is like the antithesis of female sex drive lol. That is to say, once a women becomes a mom, if she's a good mom at least, she can become very focused on her children. There are a lot of demands put on her and mom's of young children often have small people crawling on them and pawing at them all day, asking for things, demanding attention and by the end of the day, they just want to be left the fuck alone and have no one touch them. They are often worn our and tried, on top of that. Even if they are receptive to intimacy, it can be really hard to switch gears and get out of mommy-mode. It is a big leap to go from mommy-mode to full on dirty-slut-wife who wants to get banged by strange cocks.

You may just be in the wrong time of life for this. I brought up this fantasy when my wife was in her mid-30s with 2 kids and it did not go over well initially (seems like it at least started out a lot smoother for you, which is promising). She came around it over time, once she understood why it turned me on. It took a long time for her to admit her own fantasies, some of which are actually pretty dirty but she really has a tough time talking directly about that stuff and has to be in the right mood, which 100% of the time involves having some amount of drinks.

One night after some drinks, she came clean about fucking some guys when we'd broken up years before, prior to getting engaged. We then had some of the wildest sex ever, with her cumming while I made her repeat that she got wet telling me about how she fucked over guys. She was insatiable, we had sex until I came, she got me hard again, rode me until she came for the second time, wore me out, then used a vibrator to make herself cum again, which she's never done after sex. Guess what happened the next day after this amazing break-through sex? She pretended like nothing happened and didn't want to talk about it or acknowledge it. I finally asked her a few days later to at least tell me why she didn't want to talk about it and she confessed that it did turn her on but she was scared of it because, in her words, it was very hard sometimes for a girl like her to always be good and she wanted to be a good girl for me and she was afraid if she crossed a certain line, she might not be able to stop. She also has expressed that it's "not a normal fantasy" and wonders if it is healthy, which I mean, fair point, maybe it isn't haha... but too late for me.

Only now, years later, when our kids are a bit older and she feels comfortable leaving them with a sitter over-night, or bringing a sitter on vacation so we can go out by ourselves, has she started to get more adventurous again and there have been a couple times where she has pushed the boundary forward (unfortunately the time she was the boldest, the other dude didn't seem to know what was going on and kind of ruined it lol).

The one thing I can say about my wife, which may be true for yours, is for her to every fully cross that line and have sex with another dude, it cannot be some planned thing that we discuss and deliberately set up. It would have to be something that happens naturally, in the right environment, away from kids, where she is very relaxed, probably involving some drinks.

As an example, one night last summer, we went out with two other couples and my wife got pretty ......, took off her panties (was wearing a short skirt) in the parking lot on the way out and threw them at someone's car. Then we went to one of the couple's house to sit around their fire pit and my wife randomly decided to go run around the backyard with their dog and take her shirt off. She was wearing a see-through lacey bra and there were 2 other guys there. If I had ever been like "hey, I think it would be hot if you took off your panties and shirt while two men watched - let's plan how we're going to make that happen" she would tell me there is no way that would ever happen.

So I don't know what to tell you man, all my progress has partly been fueled by alcohol. If you're going to get anywhere without it, I think you will need subtlety. For women, there can be a lot of shame, concerns that you might get upset as much as you say you want something, STDs, etc, that they need to work through to even consider something like being shared with another man. Some women can just sit down, talk it out and agree to go find a dude on tinder or whatever. My wife is not that type and sounds like yours isn't either. You also may need to just wait until your kids are older and you have the potential to get away on an over-nighter or vacation together. I think I am at the point finally where something could happen with my wife but I think the only way it ever will is by me creating the right kind of environments, where something could spontaneously happen. That means, being somewhere away from the kids where she can be a sexy wife again, instead of a mom, being relaxed, and being in a sexy enviroment where she can be flirtaceous and get into conversation with other men... and then maybe eventually find the right one.
 
Majorem makes a compelling case for being childless. My dad did too, from an early age emphasizing how having kids will mess up your life in a major way. My sister and I both listened, my brother did not. Zero doubt weve had more fun than he has, although he really took to family life and fatherhood.

Too late for you in that regard already having two kids.

Shes 31, should be peak of sex drive.

As 805 notes, the duality of ....../wife in kitchen whore in bedroom is challenging. Eliminate the mothering aspect and odds are better for a hedonistic lifestyle. Despite my missus' culture being hyperfixated on procreation, and having the 2.5% growth rate to corroborate it, it seems she has acclimatized to the idea of being childless. Pardon the tangent, but as Major notes, the kids may be at the heart of your conondrum. Perhaps send them to summer camp or something to allow you to see if youcan coax your missus out of her conservative shell. Good luck.

PS Germans tend to be much more enlightened and have less hangups about sex than Brits or Ameicans. Of course that is a generalization and is scant consolation to you in your circumstances.