Am I right ??

[coastalkid]

I'm glad you confronted her. She's on the road to ruin, all of her own making. I agree with Samsar, your marriage is in shambles. I feel terrible for you! You deserve SO much better. She is not going to change until she does some serious self examination. It's clear she will stand on the fact that she believes she has the moral high ground and if anyone needed counseling it would be you.

Her attitude is a reflection of the times we live in right now. People are steadfast in believing the lies they tell and the lies they swear to be the truth. She has comforted herself by believing that "sex" is the reason for her 1st husband leaving her. In doing so she has chosen to make sex the evil enemy. She is in denial, otherwise she wouldn't HAVE a vibrator, let alone use it for her own pleasure. Yet she does use it and it must confound her own thinking.

I'm beginning to wonder about her "I know all the ways to NOT be caught". I'm thinking she only knows ONE way to NOT be caught. That is to be asexual, or at least to give the outward "appearance" that she is. She's going to end up alone. She'll never admit SHE was ever the problem. Even if she had her ex back she would act the same way and have the same results all over again, simply because she can't change and won't take her fair share of the blame.

Life's too short to spend it the way it's going for you. Eventually you'll have to tell her those exact words. There's no longer any point in "catching" her. Now the REAL question is what in hell does she want in her life? It'd be interesting to me to know what she thinks a "perfect" relationship is like? Is it a female dominant one, one where she calls all the shots and can act unilaterally? I would imagine you are finding it really difficult to find an upside to being with her at all.

 

[Snoopsissy]

I'm glad you confronted her. She's on the road to ruin, all of her own making. I agree with Samsar, your marriage is in shambles. I feel terrible for you! You deserve SO much better. She is not going to change until she does some serious self examination. It's clear she will stand on the fact that she believes she has the moral high ground and if anyone needed counseling it would be you.

Her attitude is a reflection of the times we live in right now. People are steadfast in believing the lies they tell and the lies they swear to be the truth. She has comforted herself by believing that "sex" is the reason for her 1st husband leaving her. In doing so she has chosen to make sex the evil enemy. She is in denial, otherwise she wouldn't HAVE a vibrator, let alone use it for her own pleasure. Yet she does use it and it must confound her own thinking.

I'm beginning to wonder about her "I know all the ways to NOT be caught". I'm thinking she only knows ONE way to NOT be caught. That is to be asexual, or at least to give the outward "appearance" that she is. She's going to end up alone. She'll never admit SHE was ever the problem. Even if she had her ex back she would act the same way and have the same results all over again, simply because she can't change and won't take her fair share of the blame.

Life's too short to spend it the way it's going for you. Eventually you'll have to tell her those exact words. There's no longer any point in "catching" her. Now the REAL question is what in hell does she want in her life? It'd be interesting to me to know what she thinks a "perfect" relationship is like? Is it a female dominant one, one where she calls all the shots and can act unilaterally? I would imagine you are finding it really difficult to find an upside to being with her at all.

Yes totally agree with you I’m afraid - she won’t allow herself to be sexual especially since all of my partners have been open minded and a bit kinky - excluding my first wife who was a good catholic wife up until the point where she was being fucked at her work and so I was without knowing cucked . That’s why she constantly states none of her other partners liked any kinky stuff - only vanilla missionary stuff which is her puritanical vision of a husband and wife copulating . Her only way as you say to not be caught is not to do anything in the first place . I’ve no idea either what the perfect relationship would be - probably being able to wind the clock back 25 years ago where she the happy housewife too busy with her 3 kids and home to put out - hence why hubby found himself someone who wasn’t too busy with all that to get on her back for him ! . Yes exactly the double standards is appealing hence why I’m always to blame . Yes totally which is why I think she actually hates me and does not love or respect me . You are 100% correct coastal kid and wheels are in motion to end this farce I’m sorry to say - still right to the very end I had hope but her usual cruel and hurtful comments on holiday sealed the deal for her . I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for them to have a happy life - just fuck and your guy will forgive just about anything - why does everything be a grudge match and your mostly the loser .

 

[coastalkid]

Since her main pleasure seems to be tormenting you the best thing you can do is deny her the opportunity. Work on a project in the garage. Go to the pub. ...... in a spare bedroom or the couch or the garage, whatever but don't bother with ...... with her. Let her know you don't want some pity fuck from her. If she acts contrite, let her know that "You know ALL her ways of manipulating you!" and it won't work any more!

If she asks for a discussion, give it to her. Tell her you want out and that any life would be better than this. So far you've seen well and good that she can be mean spirited. Tell her that her disinterest has caused you to become disinterested. All you expect from her is grief. Tell her you're tired of being punished for what her ex did. If she denies that then ask her what you did that deserved the treatment she has for you? Tell her she has succeeded in running you off and that her bitterness has made you bitter too! Let her know that even if she did say she would change, you don't trust her word. Her track record and behavior show you exactly the opposite. There's no sense in holding it in any longer. Let her have it!

Seriously, at this point, I foresee two outcomes. One, she wakes up and realizes she's overplayed her hand. She's so consumed with the ex and her piety that she's lost herself. She'll begin to see herself as unkind and uncaring. I give that happening a remote chance, unlikely! Two, NOTHING! Nothing changes. She carries on just as she has, oblivious to your thoughts or feelings. You'll get over it, you always do she'll tell herself.

Move yourself out of the bedroom. Start looking up everything you can on divorce. Find other divorced men at the pub. Talk to them. Get your head prepared for the task. I swear I'm usually the guy that wants things to work out, but I'm also that guy that wants everyone to come out a winner. Right now both you and your wife are playing losing hands.

 

[Snoopsissy]

Since her main pleasure seems to be tormenting you the best thing you can do is deny her the opportunity. Work on a project in the garage. Go to the pub. ...... in a spare bedroom or the couch or the garage, whatever but don't bother with ...... with her. Let her know you don't want some pity fuck from her. If she acts contrite, let her know that "You know ALL her ways of manipulating you!" and it won't work any more!

If she asks for a discussion, give it to her. Tell her you want out and that any life would be better than this. So far you've seen well and good that she can be mean spirited. Tell her that her disinterest has caused you to become disinterested. All you expect from her is grief. Tell her you're tired of being punished for what her ex did. If she denies that then ask her what you did that deserved the treatment she has for you? Tell her she has succeeded in running you off and that her bitterness has made you bitter too! Let her know that even if she did say she would change, you don't trust her word. Her track record and behavior show you exactly the opposite. There's no sense in holding it in any longer. Let her have it!

Seriously, at this point, I foresee two outcomes. One, she wakes up and realizes she's overplayed her hand. She's so consumed with the ex and her piety that she's lost herself. She'll begin to see herself as unkind and uncaring. I give that happening a remote chance, unlikely! Two, NOTHING! Nothing changes. She carries on just as she has, oblivious to your thoughts or feelings. You'll get over it, you always do she'll tell herself.

Move yourself out of the bedroom. Start looking up everything you can on divorce. Find other divorced men at the pub. Talk to them. Get your head prepared for the task. I swear I'm usually the guy that wants things to work out, but I'm also that guy that wants everyone to come out a winner. Right now both you and your wife are playing losing hands.

I know coastal kid - ha ha even a pity fuck would be something ! . I can see your outcome no 2 being the most likely . She will never change , as she has very blinkered views on a lot of things - I’ve said to her in the past - yes it’s your world according to your views . Also that would mean if she compromised ( which she doesn’t know the meaning of the word - in 9 years she has said sorry to me about 3 times ! ) that would mean her prudish views on sexual matters was wrong and she would not allow herself to admit that - certainly not to me . But what she is unaware of is after this weekend I will be putting separation initially leading to divorce wheels in motion . I will try and fuck her tonight / tomorrow and if the I’m not doing anything with you or any other similar words come out her mouth or a put down etc I will be telling her that her ...... will need to move out as either her or myself will be going into the spare room until she finds somewhere else to live as it is my house - again of which I’m always reminded off . It’s for all the things mentioned in our discussion and more that it always will be . Well I’ve stayed the pace but I’m always a loser with her . My past is always weaponised by her but she seems hesitant to talk about hers - I’m a dirty bastard but she once told me she was seeing a guy who wanted to train her arse- that was obviously before she became a nun and what do you expect a hot blooded guy to think when your told that and told she was being banged by her sisters fiancé and also by her boss after work . You would obviously assume she was a slut - wrong again - that’s probably just to lure you in - progressively leading to a downward spiral of your sex life - especially if you try and make it good for her - not for me - for her . Ultimately your getting nothing which is her end goal using any and all of your shortcomings ( which we all have ) against you so she doesn’t need to put out -. She is currently away to ‘ see her sister for an hour ‘ . Whether she is or not after the week in Spain now I don’t really give a rats ass , . I’m just sort of numb now and actually at the point I don’t need her for one thing . I was a single guy for. 5 years so can look after myself and my home just fine . If I knew then what I know now I’d have stayed that way . Irony of it all is when I was single I was actually tired of one night stands or maybe at most about a month , then I got bored and wanted a different piece of ass . Wanted someone - a sleeper slut - someone nice with no reputation but a private dirty slut and when she told me about her sisters guy - Was also told about her last partner - how they fucked for long sessions day / night and in every room in the house etc - said they split after a family thing - in reality I found out she was cheating on him - again not the person I married - I’d have been delighted if she’d been fucking someone else . For my part I was told that she didn’t like having sex / making love - during the day or at nighttime if it was light - just another part of pice by piece dismantling of our sex life and trying to degrade my sex drive I think to bring it more in line with hers ie once every couple of months .

 

[coastalkid]

You've done your due diligence! She's had every opportunity to turn things around. This is ALL on her now!

 

[Snoopsissy]

You've done your due diligence! She's had every opportunity to turn things around. This is ALL on her now!

Yes I just wished I’d caught her at the cheating as her family will close around her and I’ll be the rat /- nothing and I mean nothing last night and so we went for a drive today - had a nice lunch - then spoke about her sons ex stalking him , then of course it was kicked back to me - how she is disgusted that she caught me wanting - ‘ I should have went into the bathroom ‘ - why the fuck would I do that when she’s upstairs ...... ( or so I thought ) - nothing again to do with the fact that she’s the one that’s been withholding sex - she’s got a fucking screw loose man . So taken your advice and up in the garage working on my track bike - names coming off the joint bank account to morrow and being told that either me or her is going in the spare room ( for me ) . It’s just as you called it coastal kid things will never get better and now she has something more to use against me . I said well if you gave me sex I wouldn’t need to wank myself off - again right back to me about looking at other men and women !!! . I’m done with this ...... life - I’m wasting too much time ( already 9 years on this narcissistic narrow minded nun ) . She will be now reaping what she has sowed . Thank you again for helping and advising me on this and will let you know how things progress

 

[samsar]

Yes I just wished I’d caught her at the cheating as her family will close around her and I’ll be the rat /- nothing and I mean nothing last night and so we went for a drive today - had a nice lunch - then spoke about her sons ex stalking him , then of course it was kicked back to me - how she is disgusted that she caught me wanting - ‘ I should have went into the bathroom ‘ - why the fuck would I do that when she’s upstairs ...... ( or so I thought ) - nothing again to do with the fact that she’s the one that’s been withholding sex - she’s got a fucking screw loose man . So taken your advice and up in the garage working on my track bike - names coming off the joint bank account to morrow and being told that either me or her is going in the spare room ( for me ) . It’s just as you called it coastal kid things will never get better and now she has something more to use against me . I said well if you gave me sex I wouldn’t need to wank myself off - again right back to me about looking at other men and women !!! . I’m done with this ...... life - I’m wasting too much time ( already 9 years on this narcissistic narrow minded nun ) . She will be now reaping what she has sowed . Thank you again for helping and advising me on this and will let you know how things progress

Protect yourself before you make a move then get out,good luck 👍

 

[Snoopsissy]

Protect yourself before you make a move then get out,good luck 👍

Thanks samsar - yes I defo will - been here before so not as naive - many thanks for your advice

 

[coastalkid]

Get yourself moved out of the bedroom! Make your stand!

 

[Snoopsissy]

Get yourself moved out of the bedroom! Make your stand!

Don’t worry coastal kid - I will be - told her that her ...... will need to find somewhere else to stay - obviously she still sees everything as my fault - now she is saying I was going to buy another portable ac unit for the step sons house in Spain but I didn’t and I knew she was struggling with the heat - yes that bit is true but we looked at one or two first day we got there and she wasn’t struggling with the heat then - I thought - both are working why the fuck should I buy one for them ? . So she says I only buy her stuff like heels and panties / bras - obviously an ac unit isn’t the same thing and hasn’t occurred to her exactly how she got to Spain and then to the house - yes I bought the tickets and hired / drove the car . So she was fuming over that too - see my wife excels at that - telling half a story - only her half - so after the row that she started 3 days ago not a word has been spoken which I’m honest I’m loving - next on the agenda is cancelling her card - I don’t think it’s actually sunk in to her yet what’s about to happen . .

 

[coastalkid]

Any updates on the ongoing situation? Have you moved out of the bedroom? How has your wife responded to your attitude and what has her attitude been like?

 

[Snoopsissy]

Any updates on the ongoing situation? Have you moved out of the bedroom? How has your wife responded to your attitude and what has her attitude been like?

Hi coastal , well I can’t move out of the bedroom just yet as my stepson is living with us temporarily ( another bad thing that terrible husband did - gave him a room and rigged it out for him - new bed , covers , matress the whole nine yards ) . Still at an impasse really with regard to the whole situation . I’m not sure but it just may have twigged in her head that this isn’t like the other arguements she has started over something I’ve did / not did - said / not said obviously . Like the wanking thing - dirty old bastard me hasn’t had his hole in 5 months and a blowjob in 10 months but how dare I relief myself lol - not to mention the fact she’d been walking around with tits / pussy out for 5 days . . I’m still playing it firm and nonchalant - she hold the cards when it comes to pussy but the real life / important things like home / money / security - well I have a full deck there - pussy you can find - another home isn’t quite as easy eh lol - hope you and your wife are well too

 

[coastalkid]

Hi coastal , well I can’t move out of the bedroom just yet as my stepson is living with us temporarily ( another bad thing that terrible husband did - gave him a room and rigged it out for him - new bed , covers , matress the whole nine yards ) . Still at an impasse really with regard to the whole situation . I’m not sure but it just may have twigged in her head that this isn’t like the other arguements she has started over something I’ve did / not did - said / not said obviously . Like the wanking thing - dirty old bastard me hasn’t had his hole in 5 months and a blowjob in 10 months but how dare I relief myself lol - not to mention the fact she’d been walking around with tits / pussy out for 5 days . . I’m still playing it firm and nonchalant - she hold the cards when it comes to pussy but the real life / important things like home / money / security - well I have a full deck there - pussy you can find - another home isn’t quite as easy eh lol - hope you and your wife are well too

My wife and I are doing fine, thanks for asking. We are finally in a place where we have more and better sex than ever before. I wish we had gotten to this place much earlier in life but it is what it is. The important part is she's far more interested in sex now. She's showing pride in her sexual skill. She's much more vocal and aggressive. I work hard at NOT being resentful of the time we lost getting to this point and I try hard to NOT focus on my loss of youthful vigor. Clearly those days are long gone.

If nothing else, you had to derive some satisfaction from your wife's "twigged" reaction. She's clever. She may even soften her stance and feel like she's over played her hand. The obvious worry is that whatever adjustment she makes in her attitude towards you will be short lived and only for damage control reasons. Her tendencies have given you the expectation that she will not sustain her adjustments. Once she believes she's back on firm ground with you she will slip back into her "old ways".

Keep the pressure on her! Stay "firm and nonchalant"! Make her do the work!

 

[Snoopsissy]

My wife and I are doing fine, thanks for asking. We are finally in a place where we have more and better sex than ever before. I wish we had gotten to this place much earlier in life but it is what it is. The important part is she's far more interested in sex now. She's showing pride in her sexual skill. She's much more vocal and aggressive. I work hard at NOT being resentful of the time we lost getting to this point and I try hard to NOT focus on my loss of youthful vigor. Clearly those days are long gone.

If nothing else, you had to derive some satisfaction from your wife's "twigged" reaction. She's clever. She may even soften her stance and feel like she's over played her hand. The obvious worry is that whatever adjustment she makes in her attitude towards you will be short lived and only for damage control reasons. Her tendencies have given you the expectation that she will not sustain her adjustments. Once she believes she's back on firm ground with you she will slip back into her "old ways".

Keep the pressure on her! Stay "firm and nonchalant"! Make her do the work!

That’s great to hear you guys are doing ok and yes I believe the same 100% - no point in carrying on with resentment and I just wish my wife would show some sexual needs and wants towards me too but as you say I think deep down she won’t look inwardly and realise just what a wall she has built between us as she must now know surely that withholding sec and intimacy has consequences but somehow with her blinkered views on things I doubt that . I believe if it happens as you say it will be damage limitation or temporary as there will always be something I do / don’t do - say / don’t say that she feels the need to pull me up on as it doesn’t comply with her ways . I will and still precautions / necessary steps are still ongoing for a final split once the stepson moves out - difficult one as he is a good guy and don’t want to forse him out - but as they are a close family I’m sure he’s picked up on the situation or possibly my wife has said yet again probably only half the story ( her half of course ) and know 100% she will have told her dawter everything - when it came around that I wanted to share her she told her dawter about it - again half the story . I’m playing deaf / dumb husband again - not for her cheating which I would welcome if I was included but now to see if she is going to initiate sex - still nothing there for now - she can still turn this around but her time is running out and at this stage I’m still half heartedly in the relationship but with 0 commitment and really don’t care whether she gives a toss or not / I’m making plans and as you say she will need to show me like your wife did that it’s a long term thing

 

[coastalkid]

I'm beginning to believe that she never was or has been cheating on you. I think she's addicted to tormenting you and she can't stop herself. She has projected her anger towards he ex onto you. She probably hold a spot in her heart that hates all men and she feels the need to point out the weakness of men and their sexual obsession.

I would even venture to guess that your wife has had to face what cuckolds face when they wonder if they inadequate, not good at sex. Because of her ex leaving her, I have no doubt those thoughts have crossed your wife's mind and it's also my guess that the result is blind anger. To protect her self image she has taken on the prudish, "holier than thou" persona.

She has destroyed her own sex life and yours along with it. She's not reconciling with her ex, she knows that, he's remarried, over, done! She's in denial. She doesn't realize she has a problem that she hasn't fixed. It's sad. All of her justifications will come into question when she sits down alone. Her mind will be haunted with two failed marriages that have sex at the root of the failure. She could choose to be happy. She could choose to, what I think is the greatest joy in life, making someone you love happy.

It's just sad! Sad, for everyone! I'm sorry you're in this place in life. How long have you been together now?

 

[Snoopsissy]

I'm beginning to believe that she never was or has been cheating on you. I think she's addicted to tormenting you and she can't stop herself. She has projected her anger towards he ex onto you. She probably hold a spot in her heart that hates all men and she feels the need to point out the weakness of men and their sexual obsession.

I would even venture to guess that your wife has had to face what cuckolds face when they wonder if they inadequate, not good at sex. Because of her ex leaving her, I have no doubt those thoughts have crossed your wife's mind and it's also my guess that the result is blind anger. To protect her self image she has taken on the prudish, "holier than thou" persona.

She has destroyed her own sex life and yours along with it. She's not reconciling with her ex, she knows that, he's remarried, over, done! She's in denial. She doesn't realize she has a problem that she hasn't fixed. It's sad. All of her justifications will come into question when she sits down alone. Her mind will be haunted with two failed marriages that have sex at the root of the failure. She could choose to be happy. She could choose to, what I think is the greatest joy in life, making someone you love happy.

It's just sad! Sad, for everyone! I'm sorry you're in this place in life. How long have you been together now?

Yes every single word you say is true - her last relationship ended up exactly the same only a family issue brought everything to the front - her sons wife had cheated on him so they were splitting and his woman told the guy my wife lived with that my wife was being fucked by a guy at her work . That ended with him basically taking his possessions into one room until she left or was forced out - so that’s what I’m dealing with and what I’m up against . So until that point she thought everything was ok - I couldn’t understand why your partner would turn against her and take the side of her sons cheating woman - and that’s why . So she was in a relationship and cheated - but now she has a husband who wants her to do that but has done a 360’. We have been 9 years and with us having the blazing row a few days ago I got her nothing for our 7th wedding anniversary just to maintain that this time it’s not a normal fall out / make up situation . Maybe she was never cheating but the signs were there but as you say both are similar in regard to lack of sex with the partner . I just don’t understand and have told her at the blazing row - why can’t I be with the person that was fucking her sisters man or the boss at work or the work colleague - why have I ended up with the prudish nun version of her !!

 

[coastalkid]

Just checking in on you. Any new revelations?

 

[frustrated]

Once you have the tracker in place it may come down to you having to actually physically follow her. Do you have any friends at the pub that you can talk to about this? That's if you go to the pub on any regular sort of basis. You could use some more immediate input from a friend or friends.

As to her reaction(s) to the TV program, I get the feeling that as a narcissist she also has an affinity for hypocrisy. She sees everyone else as flawed and minimizes her own behaviors. It's her way of justifying her behavior as reasonable.

At some point you have to consider how much of your life do you want to waste waiting on her to come around. I know for myself that I felt (and still struggle with feeling) a lot of resentment for my wife wasting some of the best sexual years of my life with her ambivalent attitude towards sex. Fortunately, my wife has realized her part in the damage she created with her attitude. That only happened after we separated for a short while. It took something extreme to bring her out of her self justification. Things are much better for us now but when I struggle to get hard for her I'm reminded of the time my wife stole from US. I have to push those thoughts from my head because it ends up being counter productive, especially in light of my wife's contrition and her obvious effort to make things right.

Have you considered just telling her that the way things are right now that you don't see a future together or at least realizing that what is happening between the two of you is pushing you away from each other instead of closer together? I totally understand your feeling the need to catch her because of her brazen attitude but will that be satisfying enough to warrant the anguish? She doesn't sound like the type to show contrition if caught. She sounds like she''s the type that would say, "Oh well, been there, done that." and just move on.

“I know for myself that I felt (and still struggle with feeling) a lot of resentment for my wife wasting some of the best sexual years of my life with her ambivalent attitude towards sex”

I’m living this life right now. ☹️

 

[TieDyeLovers]

I'm high as fuck and this thread completely ruined that.

I no longer believe god exists and I hope a blackhole opens up and consumes everything. If I could, I'd go back in time and get into Tower 7 so the government can 9/11 me with their plane holograms and I'd have never been exposed to this thread.

 

[coastalkid]

I'm high as fuck and this thread completely ruined that.

I no longer believe god exists and I hope a blackhole opens up and consumes everything. If I could, I'd go back in time and get into Tower 7 so the government can 9/11 me with their plane holograms and I'd have never been exposed to this thread.

Sometimes it sucks, and not in a good way! I'm not going to let it ruin my buzz though!