Question for the more experienced cucks

Like you we too have been in this lifestyle for a few years now, and we have had a very similar experience, at first it was extremely intense, wife needed to reassured that everything would be fine, then she would throw up before going on a date and sex, a couple of last minute cold feet. Now it is very normal for my wife to say that she is getting her boyfriend over for the night after drinks, so could I get home early from from work and check if the house is reasonably clean and to change the sheets in the guest bedroom, but the excitement is still there.

One of her regular boyfriends and I get on very well, and he will call me if she did not reply or check if he can take her out. But I still get weak at the knees when I see them kissing and I watch them once in a while having sex, and the most intense moment is when he comes inside her, she will lock her legs behind him and raise her hips to keep his sperm inside.
Wonderful she is relax now. Does she ever discuss how the sex is with him or how his cock feels over yours?
 
We haven't done it regularly, but as the years go on it has changed. I feel waves of shame and excitement. I have lost my sexual confidence so that we're now more like roommates that have sex maybe 4 times a year and when we do I feel shy and it is about her pleasure. Even when she does want to have sex with me I can't take myself seriously and seeing her enjoy it a bit vs how she enjoys it with them feel embarrassing so I try to avoid penetration. I never thought I would feel so voluntarily emasculated by this... the fantasy of being humiliated or put in my place is hot... but putting myself in my place feels more pathetic... it's a journey