Last Sunday, I let my girlfriend of two years go out with a complete stranger she just met on Tinder that morning. They had sex that afternoon. There was already too much sexual tension going between me and my girlfriend for weeks leading to that event. A few days before Sunday, she was already chatting with different guys she met on Tinder. We decided to do this as the desire to realize our fantasy was getting stronger. I really wanted her to meet a guy in person and I repeatedly told this to her weeks before last Sunday. About a month ago, she was actually about to have sex with a previous acquaintance, but he backed out at the last minute, and I think that frustration also contributed to the heightening of our desire to make this happen.
Although I am still unsure whether I would call myself a cuck (I’ll explain later), I knew I was turned on by the thought of her being with another man. This has been my fantasy even before I met her. We talk really well so it was not easy for me to tell her about my fantasy just a couple of months into our relationship. She embraced the fantasy because she too is turned on by the thought of me watching and her being with different guys. We were just in fantasy mode the entire two years of our relationship (we just celebrated our 2nd year anniversary). But all the events I told above led us to jump right into it last Sunday.
I am writing this because it has been a tough four days after that happened—at least on my side. My girlfriend seems to be doing well. She had mixed emotions while doing it last Sunday, but she seems to be doing fine now. I, on the other hand, am feeling regret every day. And this mixes with feelings of arousal. They took two short videos of their sex, and I use it every day to jerk off since. But after this, I would feel jealous and regretful for letting this happen. The regret and jealously are disturbing my daily functioning that I am beginning to question whether I really am a cuck or not, or perhaps I am in a place where I should have just kept it a fantasy.
Throughout these four days, my girlfriend has really been helpful. Our conversations and bond just got stronger. We both learned more about our sexualities. She is very supportive of me. I just want to get over these difficult feelings so I could be more present and supportive of her too. But I am not sure what to do or where to start.
For one, I think we made the mistake of doing this haphazardly. I realized now that much of my jealously stems from the fact that I wasn’t there personally. The videos they took were only about five minutes, while they were together for three hours. I thought this was the way to do it, that watching would be too much. But now I know I was wrong. I should’ve been there the whole time.
Then there’s the baggage of my past. I grew up in a Christian household, repressed of the opportunity to explore my sexuality. I am realizing just now that perhaps this programming of having sex with just one person is still subconsciously affecting my fantasy. I am turned on by my girlfriend having sex with another man but at the same time repulsed by the idea. It’s confusing! In addition, I have very little sexual experience as I was only with four women in my life from 19 to 29 years old. The longest relationship I was in (6 years) ended up when she cheated on me. That event was traumatic, one of the most difficult times of my life. But what bothers me even until now, is that I am actually turned on by what she did. The emotions I felt when I learned that my ex cheated on me were quite similar, although milder, to what I am feeling right now. And this is despite the fact that I am with the most loving and understanding woman I have ever been in my entire life! I feel like I have reopened a wound that has already closed but it doesn’t completely make sense why.
Overall, I think it was a mistake to push through with what happened last Sunday. We should’ve put more thought into this (e.g., I should have watched, we should’ve scouted for the right man, we should’ve taken it slower, etc.). But we let the excitement and sexual tension get ahead of us.
However, I know that what happened, happened. I guess what I was hoping to get from writing this, is some advice on how I can personally, psychologically, process all these emotions. I probably should get professional help, but I thought reaching out to people like you who have seen all or are far ahead of us in these matters, could give me a unique perspective on what I am currently going through. I would also want to know from your judgment of what I wrote here if you think I really am a cuck, and if you think we should keep it as a fantasy or should we make it real moving forward.
If you’ve gone this far. Thank you very much. I’m sorry for writing you such a long post. I wanted to write a brief one, but I don’t think you would fully get what I am going through if I don’t say all the relevant details.
Although I am still unsure whether I would call myself a cuck (I’ll explain later), I knew I was turned on by the thought of her being with another man. This has been my fantasy even before I met her. We talk really well so it was not easy for me to tell her about my fantasy just a couple of months into our relationship. She embraced the fantasy because she too is turned on by the thought of me watching and her being with different guys. We were just in fantasy mode the entire two years of our relationship (we just celebrated our 2nd year anniversary). But all the events I told above led us to jump right into it last Sunday.
I am writing this because it has been a tough four days after that happened—at least on my side. My girlfriend seems to be doing well. She had mixed emotions while doing it last Sunday, but she seems to be doing fine now. I, on the other hand, am feeling regret every day. And this mixes with feelings of arousal. They took two short videos of their sex, and I use it every day to jerk off since. But after this, I would feel jealous and regretful for letting this happen. The regret and jealously are disturbing my daily functioning that I am beginning to question whether I really am a cuck or not, or perhaps I am in a place where I should have just kept it a fantasy.
Throughout these four days, my girlfriend has really been helpful. Our conversations and bond just got stronger. We both learned more about our sexualities. She is very supportive of me. I just want to get over these difficult feelings so I could be more present and supportive of her too. But I am not sure what to do or where to start.
For one, I think we made the mistake of doing this haphazardly. I realized now that much of my jealously stems from the fact that I wasn’t there personally. The videos they took were only about five minutes, while they were together for three hours. I thought this was the way to do it, that watching would be too much. But now I know I was wrong. I should’ve been there the whole time.
Then there’s the baggage of my past. I grew up in a Christian household, repressed of the opportunity to explore my sexuality. I am realizing just now that perhaps this programming of having sex with just one person is still subconsciously affecting my fantasy. I am turned on by my girlfriend having sex with another man but at the same time repulsed by the idea. It’s confusing! In addition, I have very little sexual experience as I was only with four women in my life from 19 to 29 years old. The longest relationship I was in (6 years) ended up when she cheated on me. That event was traumatic, one of the most difficult times of my life. But what bothers me even until now, is that I am actually turned on by what she did. The emotions I felt when I learned that my ex cheated on me were quite similar, although milder, to what I am feeling right now. And this is despite the fact that I am with the most loving and understanding woman I have ever been in my entire life! I feel like I have reopened a wound that has already closed but it doesn’t completely make sense why.
Overall, I think it was a mistake to push through with what happened last Sunday. We should’ve put more thought into this (e.g., I should have watched, we should’ve scouted for the right man, we should’ve taken it slower, etc.). But we let the excitement and sexual tension get ahead of us.
However, I know that what happened, happened. I guess what I was hoping to get from writing this, is some advice on how I can personally, psychologically, process all these emotions. I probably should get professional help, but I thought reaching out to people like you who have seen all or are far ahead of us in these matters, could give me a unique perspective on what I am currently going through. I would also want to know from your judgment of what I wrote here if you think I really am a cuck, and if you think we should keep it as a fantasy or should we make it real moving forward.
If you’ve gone this far. Thank you very much. I’m sorry for writing you such a long post. I wanted to write a brief one, but I don’t think you would fully get what I am going through if I don’t say all the relevant details.
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