New and Unsure where to go

[majorem]

what happens when I am having sex with this big dick guy and cumming over and over again, why would I come back to you.

If she can't answer that for herself, maybe there is a problem?

I mean, did she only marry you because you were the biggest dick up to that point / made her cum the most?

I have great sex with my wife but I don't know that I'd say it was the hottest sex I ever had - however, two of the women I had some of the best sex with were both kind of crazy, among other things, so...

 

[arltxstagnvixen]

If she can't answer that for herself, maybe there is a problem?

I mean, did she only marry you because you were the biggest dick up to that point / made her cum the most?

I have great sex with my wife but I don't know that I'd say it was the hottest sex I ever had - however, two of the women I had some of the best sex with were both kind of crazy, among other things, so...

I agree. She said that to set his own insecurity at the idea in order to put him off of the idea.
She also pointed out that sex is about an intimate emotional bond in the same conversation which supports the above supposition.

@curioushusband0 , it is plain to see that her words may seem to present mixed signals - they are not mixed. She is Not Into The Idea.
That doesn't mean she never will be.
It means that it is Upsetting Her Now.

Mark my words: The very best thing you can do at this point is agree with her that it is an intimate bond of emotion. That is easy to do since it often really is quite true. You have given her a lot of fear since your brains work differently and that fear will yield to anger and resentment.

 

[majorem]

Agree about her not being into it currently and constructing arguments to put him off.

At the same time, not sure I'd purely agree with her that sex is always intimate. I mean, one-night-stands aren't about an intimate bond. I think maybe it is better explained that relationships and the type of intimate sex that can occur within them are about an intimate bond but one can also have sex for pleasure. More so, the intimate bond you share with your wife can make a 3-some an intimate experience for the two of you, where a 3rd person is simply there as a tool to enhance your pleasure and excitement.

 

[arltxstagnvixen]

At the same time, not sure I'd purely agree with her that sex is always intimate.

It certainly is not. At least for many people.

My point was directed to the perceptions relayed by CuriousHusband0 and that of his wife.
You are making sense.
Different minds perceive certain things differently and with diversity. Your advice has merit. But if CuriousHusband0 presents your advice to his wife at this time, it is not where her mind is at. She will reject it outright, not consider it as a compelling argument.
To *her*, that is how she perceives the act - as part of a more intimate bond. She was emotionally stung (hurt) by her husbands differing view, as to her; it invalidated a part of their relationship.

This is not a wrong view or anything. Just as it is not wrong for one person to find same gender attractive and another person to not find same gender attractive.
Minds can be flexible and adapt and change with different points of view. But an inflexible viewpoint won't flex, it will just snap.

So if he pushes his viewpoint, that can be harmful. It is better he validates how she feels about this and it *can* be done honestly.
It's a hitch that this is a Complex Subject, not easily relayed in a few internet posts. It can take a therapist months or years to work through all this kind of stuff with a person.

Many posters may see this thread as a means of validating themselves and their own P.O.V. (and Majorem, you have not done this at all) and I am offering that other view many won't because what I see in the O.P.'s presentation so far and based on experience, he has introduced troublesome turbulence to what was previously stable.
My Own Goal is to encourage healthy relationships, not just to validate one point of view over another.

 

[Flirtingcouple]

Does anyone else just get turned on about seeing their wife having amazing orgasms. When I picture this scene in my head I never picture an actual guy, I just picture my wife riding a big dick and her cumming. I don't think I'd ever actually want to share my wife, but the fantasy aspect of this is a big turn on.

I recently told her this and she was very upset. She wondered if I wanted to sleep with other people, which I have no intentions. I told her my whole fantasy revolves around her.

We argued off and on for several days until I felt I had explained it as best as possible. She said it's degrading and she asked if I would share her with some of the guys we knew. She was furious and I told her I don't think those guys are good enough for you. I think that calmed her down a bit actually.

Not sure if it's worth discussing any further or what to do at this point. I have no idea if she is mad or upset or if she is thinking about it. It was a challenging week but she is at a good point in her cycle and we had incredible sex since making up.

You are at what we call step 1 of 3……you brought up the topic, now go to step 2 start playing with dildo when u guys have sex…

 

[Loridan]

I don't know what step we're on, all I know is my wife enjoys this more than I can explain.
You'd never know we do this if you met us.
She gets so turned on she wants sex all night, him and I do her till we're beat. There's plenty of hard fast fucking but there's lots of kissing, laying there making out, oral sex, caressing, rubing and just being close to each other....no bi play at all happens.
We always do her twice each, he usually goes again befor he leaves. There's been nights he's gone 4 rounds and I've done 3.
We stayed overnight at his place once. We each did her twice, went to sleep, he did her about 2:30am then I went right after. In the morning they did it, she took a shower then I fucked her then he went again after me.
I guess my point is...we are a normal couple that likes fun with our friend. It's our very private fun. We have friends we do things with but not sex. Our friends are like us, close in age, none are overweight, everyone is classy and polite. The wives are fuckin HOT. Yea in my head I just wonder if anyone we know is into sex fun like we are.

 

[curioushusband0]

I agree. She said that to set his own insecurity at the idea in order to put him off of the idea.
She also pointed out that sex is about an intimate emotional bond in the same conversation which supports the above supposition.

@curioushusband0 , it is plain to see that her words may seem to present mixed signals - they are not mixed. She is Not Into The Idea.
That doesn't mean she never will be.
It means that it is Upsetting Her Now.

Mark my words: The very best thing you can do at this point is agree with her that it is an intimate bond of emotion. That is easy to do since it often really is quite true. You have given her a lot of fear since your brains work differently and that fear will yield to anger and resentment.

This is a really good assessment. She has a lot of fear and keeps going back to me doing this bc I cheated or would want to swing. I have zero desire to have another women or swing. In fact I told her if she asked me to do the opposite and sleep with some other women, I get how that would not interest you bc it doesn’t interest me.

 

[curioushusband0]

Agree about her not being into it currently and constructing arguments to put him off.

At the same time, not sure I'd purely agree with her that sex is always intimate. I mean, one-night-stands aren't about an intimate bond. I think maybe it is better explained that relationships and the type of intimate sex that can occur within them are about an intimate bond but one can also have sex for pleasure. More so, the intimate bond you share with your wife can make a 3-some an intimate experience for the two of you, where a 3rd person is simply there as a tool to enhance your pleasure and excitement.

I agree but as someone else mentioned, I don’t think I can explain that right now and it help.

 

[curioushusband0]

It certainly is not. At least for many people.

My point was directed to the perceptions relayed by CuriousHusband0 and that of his wife.
You are making sense.
Different minds perceive certain things differently and with diversity. Your advice has merit. But if CuriousHusband0 presents your advice to his wife at this time, it is not where her mind is at. She will reject it outright, not consider it as a compelling argument.
To *her*, that is how she perceives the act - as part of a more intimate bond. She was emotionally stung (hurt) by her husbands differing view, as to her; it invalidated a part of their relationship.

This is not a wrong view or anything. Just as it is not wrong for one person to find same gender attractive and another person to not find same gender attractive.
Minds can be flexible and adapt and change with different points of view. But an inflexible viewpoint won't flex, it will just snap.

So if he pushes his viewpoint, that can be harmful. It is better he validates how she feels about this and it *can* be done honestly.
It's a hitch that this is a Complex Subject, not easily relayed in a few internet posts. It can take a therapist months or years to work through all this kind of stuff with a person.

Many posters may see this thread as a means of validating themselves and their own P.O.V. (and Majorem, you have not done this at all) and I am offering that other view many won't because what I see in the O.P.'s presentation so far and based on experience, he has introduced troublesome turbulence to what was previously stable.
My Own Goal is to encourage healthy relationships, not just to validate one point of view over another.

I think you’re right.

Now, I feel like I can’t make any moves to push ahead, I have to just wait and continue to support our relationship.

 

[curioushusband0]

You are at what we call step 1 of 3……you brought up the topic, now go to step 2 start playing with dildo when u guys have sex…

I have bought a dildo and she said prior she wasn’t comfortable using it bc it’s very realistic. When we spoke yesterday, some of the convo was about that. She said do you want to watch that like it’s someone else. She was upset when I said it. I explained that the dildo is very similar in size to me and if she was getting off on it, then she would have an easier time getting off with me. I said you now use that insertable suction vibratory and my penis doesn’t do any vibrating or sucking. I think she realized this as I explained it. I say this to explain that we aren’t there yet and it wouldn’t do any good.

 

[curioushusband0]

I don't know what step we're on, all I know is my wife enjoys this more than I can explain.
You'd never know we do this if you met us.
She gets so turned on she wants sex all night, him and I do her till we're beat. There's plenty of hard fast fucking but there's lots of kissing, laying there making out, oral sex, caressing, rubing and just being close to each other....no bi play at all happens.
We always do her twice each, he usually goes again befor he leaves. There's been nights he's gone 4 rounds and I've done 3.
We stayed overnight at his place once. We each did her twice, went to sleep, he did her about 2:30am then I went right after. In the morning they did it, she took a shower then I fucked her then he went again after me.
I guess my point is...we are a normal couple that likes fun with our friend. It's our very private fun. We have friends we do things with but not sex. Our friends are like us, close in age, none are overweight, everyone is classy and polite. The wives are fuckin HOT. Yea in my head I just wonder if anyone we know is into sex fun like we are.

It sounds like you guys are very comfortable, established and have high levels of communication. I think that’s something I enjoy about talking with successful people in the LS, they have very high levels of trust and communication or a firm understanding of the rules.

How is it when another guy cums inside her and then you go inside. Not something I’ve ever done.

 

[Loridan]

It sounds like you guys are very comfortable, established and have high levels of communication. I think that’s something I enjoy about talking with successful people in the LS, they have very high levels of trust and communication or a firm understanding of the rules.

How is it when another guy cums inside her and then you go inside. Not something I’ve ever done.

Yea the feeling is slick for sure but it's how friggin turned on she is after he finishes, she holds me tight, we kiss, she moves under me. I can smell him on her. It's more than the feeling, it's the whole experience. That super wet, sloppy sound is a HUGE turn on for her and me. Many times she's whispered to me...can you hear it ? Hell yes I can.

 

[jaandaj]

I have bought a dildo and she said prior she wasn’t comfortable using it bc it’s very realistic. When we spoke yesterday, some of the convo was about that. She said do you want to watch that like it’s someone else. She was upset when I said it. I explained that the dildo is very similar in size to me and if she was getting off on it, then she would have an easier time getting off with me. I said you now use that insertable suction vibratory and my penis doesn’t do any vibrating or sucking. I think she realized this as I explained it. I say this to explain that we aren’t there yet and it wouldn’t do any good.

Only advice I have left to give is reassure her that you love her and don't want her doing anything she isn't comfortable with.

As for sex being important to her in the relationship, enforce that what you two do is make love not sex.

An important part of a relationship is, to love your partner for who they are. We should never ask them to change but we should be willing to change for them.

In the end for some people fantasy is best kept fantasy. You let her know you're interested in it. Let it go. If it grows into something she wants then great. If not love her for who she is and way she is. Not everyone can live this lifestyle.

 

[curioushusband0]

Only advice I have left to give is reassure her that you love her and don't want her doing anything she isn't comfortable with.

As for sex being important to her in the relationship, enforce that what you two do is make love not sex.

An important part of a relationship is, to love your partner for who they are. We should never ask them to change but we should be willing to change for them.

In the end for some people fantasy is best kept fantasy. You let her know you're interested in it. Let it go. If it grows into something she wants then great. If not love her for who she is and way she is. Not everyone can live this lifestyle.

Totally agree and I have done a lot of reassuring. I did use that information that sometimes a fantasy is best left a fantasy and I really hope at some point we can just use it in bed as a fantasy. That would be so hot.

 

[curioushusband0]

Had more conversations with my wife last night and today. She had two major concerns that she keeps repeating.

-I thought you were this ethical person and now I don't know. She brought up adultery and cheating.....I explained A. adultery is some made up sin from a religion I don't follow. Second, if we decide going to lunch with someone of the opposite sex is cheating, that's our definition. Point being it's entirely up to us.

-That's when she expressed that whether it's a hall pass or whatever, she thinks I would want it reciprocated for me and some other woman/women later on. I again for the 10th time explained that there is no expectation for that and/or desire.

Conversations devolved and were not productive, but I told her I didn't picture her in some kind of relationship with some other guy. I didn't picture anyone in particular. She said oh I'm just going to bend over and let some guy fuck me to make my husband happy, great.

 

[arltxstagnvixen]

She said oh I'm just going to bend over and let some guy fuck me to make my husband happy, great.

That statement there is very indicative. And it also means that she is not happy with your perspective.
Your talks seem to be quickly happening. Are you raising the issue or is she? And if she is raising it, is she doing so with curious questions or with an angrier or accusatory tone?
If it is the latter: You are much better off letting the topic go and reassuring her of your intentions and nothing more. Pushing to convince just becomes Pushing. And not everyone will be receptive of the idea. I know... I know... If you read certain things on the Internet, they promise that your wife will give objections that you can easily resolve and then she will happily go along with your fantasy.
But... This is real life. Reading on the internet will also tell you that Aliens are controlling our government and the world is flat.

Listen to **her** not the web.

And if *you* are bringing it up - then you are not putting her first, at all. You are putting *you* first. IF you are bringing it up again already, then you are not thinking of her pleasure or what she deserves, but about What You Want.

Your points about cheating are valid. They are also just as valid if she draws the line in a different place than you do.

It's just a fantasy, man. And often, fantasies do not line up with reality. Sometimes they do... Sometimes they don't... but what is your risk factor here for Just a Fantasy?
I think you really need to hear her out; listen to her and how she feels. It may not be what you want to hear or maybe it will - but what matters most is you are Getting To Know the real her. And that can mean a Lot.
A lot of guys on here would love to know their wife is playing around.
But a lot of guys in the world would love to know that their wife *actually is faithful* without deception or pulling the wool over their eyes. You might be looking a gift horse in the mouth.

 

[curioushusband0]

That statement there is very indicative. And it also means that she is not happy with your perspective.
Your talks seem to be quickly happening. Are you raising the issue or is she? And if she is raising it, is she doing so with curious questions or with an angrier or accusatory tone?
If it is the latter: You are much better off letting the topic go and reassuring her of your intentions and nothing more. Pushing to convince just becomes Pushing. And not everyone will be receptive of the idea. I know... I know... If you read certain things on the Internet, they promise that your wife will give objections that you can easily resolve and then she will happily go along with your fantasy.
But... This is real life. Reading on the internet will also tell you that Aliens are controlling our government and the world is flat.

Listen to **her** not the web.

And if *you* are bringing it up - then you are not putting her first, at all. You are putting *you* first. IF you are bringing it up again already, then you are not thinking of her pleasure or what she deserves, but about What You Want.

Your points about cheating are valid. They are also just as valid if she draws the line in a different place than you do.

It's just a fantasy, man. And often, fantasies do not line up with reality. Sometimes they do... Sometimes they don't... but what is your risk factor here for Just a Fantasy?
I think you really need to hear her out; listen to her and how she feels. It may not be what you want to hear or maybe it will - but what matters most is you are Getting To Know the real her. And that can mean a Lot.
A lot of guys on here would love to know their wife is playing around.
But a lot of guys in the world would love to know that their wife *actually is faithful* without deception or pulling the wool over their eyes. You might be looking a gift horse in the mouth.

 

[curioushusband0]

That statement there is very indicative. And it also means that she is not happy with your perspective.
Your talks seem to be quickly happening. Are you raising the issue or is she? And if she is raising it, is she doing so with curious questions or with an angrier or accusatory tone?
If it is the latter: You are much better off letting the topic go and reassuring her of your intentions and nothing more. Pushing to convince just becomes Pushing. And not everyone will be receptive of the idea. I know... I know... If you read certain things on the Internet, they promise that your wife will give objections that you can easily resolve and then she will happily go along with your fantasy.
But... This is real life. Reading on the internet will also tell you that Aliens are controlling our government and the world is flat.

Listen to **her** not the web.

And if *you* are bringing it up - then you are not putting her first, at all. You are putting *you* first. IF you are bringing it up again already, then you are not thinking of her pleasure or what she deserves, but about What You Want.

Your points about cheating are valid. They are also just as valid if she draws the line in a different place than you do.

It's just a fantasy, man. And often, fantasies do not line up with reality. Sometimes they do... Sometimes they don't... but what is your risk factor here for Just a Fantasy?
I think you really need to hear her out; listen to her and how she feels. It may not be what you want to hear or maybe it will - but what matters most is you are Getting To Know the real her. And that can mean a Lot.
A lot of guys on here would love to know their wife is playing around.
But a lot of guys in the world would love to know that their wife *actually is faithful* without deception or pulling the wool over their eyes. You might be looking a gift horse in the mouth.

That's what confusing me a bit, she keeps bringing up the topic and says she just can't get over it. Some of her questions are generally curious while others might have anger or accusatory backgrounds. I have not brought it up the past 3 conversations.

 

[arltxstagnvixen]

That's what confusing me a bit, she keeps bringing up the topic and says she just can't get over it. Some of her questions are generally curious while others might have anger or accusatory backgrounds. I have not brought it up the past 3 conversations.

It is a lot to process.
She's probably very confused.
Part of her likely is taking it as a form of Rejection, rather than anything else.
And as she pointed to ethics; she may "feel it is wrong" and be looking at you differently and doesn't know what to think of that.

I hope you can find common ground on your ethical viewpoints and consider each others points of view fairly.

 

[curioushusband0]

It is a lot to process.
She's probably very confused.
Part of her likely is taking it as a form of Rejection, rather than anything else.
And as she pointed to ethics; she may "feel it is wrong" and be looking at you differently and doesn't know what to think of that.

I hope you can find common ground on your ethical viewpoints and consider each others points of view fairly.

I appreciate that. I think at this point it’s really about just communicating and not a big deal if the fantasy never becomes reality. It’s just working through the communication.