There are two ways of looking at this.
One is that she kind of wants to but is held back by certain fears. There is no need to go into this one, since many on this forum will be all over that possibility like a dog on a three legged cat.
The other is that part of her is curious about the possibilities, but she also *knows herself pretty well.* She clearly has put thought into it. And as you probably already know, when something is a Fantasy For You, you will only look at it through rose-tinted lenses. You will only see the Up Side and neglect any Downsides.
From her perspective, though, the Downsides are what is most likely to get her attention.
Now most everything you relayed as to her words points to the first perspective.
But one statement points very strongly toward the second - "Not the type of marriage that she wants."
It is a very bold and clear statement that a part of her hurt over the thought. She knows what bounces unspoken in her own mind. None of us know what the future holds. This is not necessarily a step forward or backward. It is simply, where you two are on your path, right now.
Many on here will urge you forward. Partly because their own fantasies give them rose-tinted glasses. But it means that I have the luxury of being the odd man out.
I can say what the many will not.
Take a step back. Take the glasses off for a moment. Ask yourself the *hard* questions. What is your motive? Biology? Sperm Competition? Or... Fear? Suppose it is because you fear losing her in some way. You lack the confidence that she really is Happy With YOU. But what if you could have your cake and eat it too? What if her pleasure could be fully satisfied and you keep the woman? A fantasy is born.
Fear of your own? If, with a clear head, you say it is due to some fear - It may be your wife knows you, too. And she knows what you are ignoring.
You already said that you partly think you do not want to.
Which means that you have jealousy.
And however turned on you are during the act - after the act is done and you've spurted your baby batter and your head clears, that real and present jealousy will push itself the front of your mind. What happens, then? Well - maybe a fight.
If not a fight (It was YOUR idea!), then you will have to avoid that fight by suppressing your jealousy and emotions. Which is a very painful act.
Your wife knows you. She will see that you are hurting, but denying it. And this damages trust. And, it hurts her to see you hurting, giving her guilt for what she did to cause it. You, unable to admit the truth, will then get turned on more when in Fantasy Mode and push for more. In that moment. Hoping it helps, she goes for it... And then the cycle repeats.
Her method of coping of seeing someone she cares about hurting, but her inability to help him because he denies it, then turns to the simplest coping mechanism of all - She Stops Caring.
She focuses only on her pleasure, and not caring how you feel about it. This can go in a few ways, one, you becoming a subbie male or... her leaving you.
This may be all nonsense. But... it sounds to me a lot like the above may describe your situation. It sounds like that has caused her pain and whatever the dynamic of your relationship will be in the future Absolutely Hinges on you focusing on alleviating that pain NOW.
It may be that you alleviate it in a way that you both move forward into an Open Relationship Style. But it may be that the way to help her pain is not not do so, too. I Do Not Know Which It Is.
And maybe you, maybe she also have no idea, either. But you and her can work that out in honesty and open communication and the more willing you are to Really LISTEN to her, the more that will help. The more you can set yourself aside in order to help her - the more it will help You.
And Hypothetically... Let's say that it works out that your fantasy cannot come true, though it was born from coping with a fear of lacking confidence that your wife truly is happy with You... Then that must mean that she really is truly happy with you and so you end up getting what you wanted in the very first place - That confidence.
And if she sees you set aside a fantasy for her comfort, then she will get that confidence that it really was about her and not about you. because most men, once mired in the fantasy.... really don't...
