Advice for unwilling cuckold

[edcooke]

I married my high school sweetheart right after I graduated from college. We have generally had a wonderful life together. We had three kids in rapid order after getting married and have built a successful business together; the kids are now adults and one has recently given us our first grandchild. I am still very much in love with my wife, and she tells me the same. The issue is that in recent years I have discovered her having several affairs. The first was a bit less than 9 years ago. When I confronted her about it she cried, apologized, promised that it would not happen again, and pleaded with me not to tell our kids and to forgive her. I did forgive her, and our life together continued essentially as it had been. However, the same thing happened a few years ago. Again I forgave her (I imagine some of you will criticize me for being a gullible fool - I accept that).

Only a month ago, I again discovered that my wife had had sex with another man. Her response this time was completely different. Although she insisted that she still loved me, there was no crying and she told me that she thought I knew what she was doing because it should have been obvious to me that I had never truly satisfied her sexually, adding that she didn't think she "could" stop. Then, she tried to talk me into agreeing that she could date (which I took to mean fuck) other men. She said something like "I want you to be my cuckold." I replied that she had pretty much seen to that already. She then explained to me that being a cuckold these days means not merely having a wife that has sex with other men but condoning or even encouraging it. She said that I should come to this website and learn more about what she called a "cuckold lifestyle" and consider whether it wouldn't turn me on to know that other men were having sex with her. She even offered to let me watch her have sex with other men.

It was as though I had never known my wife of 30 years, and as though she had never known me. Didn't she know that I had always loved only her and always wanted to have a reciprocal, monogamous relationship with her? I didn't know how to respond or what to think. I don't want to divorce my wife, and still love her deeply. We argued about this for the next couple of weeks. Finally, she refused to talk to me about it further until I had spent an hour reading the texts on this site from men happy about being cuckolds. Against my better judgment I did that. What I found was messages from men who were happy having their wives "date" other men, and other men who want their wives to do so. Surprisingly, I found no messages from men like me whose wives wanted to have sex with other men but were opposed to it. My suspicion is that there are others in that third category, and I am writing this message to see if any of them (or men or women who are engaging, have engaged or want to engage in the "cuckold" lifestyle) can offer any advice for convincing my wife to return to a traditional marriage with me. Perhaps there are examples of couples who have regretted involvement in the "lifestyle".

I do not mean to be critical of anyone who has different ideas from mine, but am not interested in any advice to become what is called a "cuckold" here. If anyone is sincerely interested in helping and has constructive ideas, I would like to read them.

 

[HereToShareHer]

You haven't found many such messages because this isn't any part of the lifestyle. This is just straight up cheating and gaslighting you.

 

[Bowlerlb]

If you are unable to satisfy her, she will have needs. Every woman has a need for good sex. If you are unable to do that perhaps you should consider a cuckold lifestyle. How often do you have sex with your wife. What size is your cock. Does she climax when you have sex. Do you pleasure her orally. What is your sexual appetite like. Lots of questions.
If you are turned on by watching you may well find the lifestyle very satisfying. Id does sound as if your wife is feeling sexually deprived.

 

[Zippycup]

There's a difference between cuckolding (the kink) and cheating.

I would leave my wife in a heartbeat if she cheated.

 

[Lynnandhubby]

I don’t think you are going to get a very balanced response on here I’m afraid as this is a site for people already in the lifestyle or wanting to get into it. Although there are a number of people here who got into it through cheating.
It’s always difficult when the two people in a relationship want very different things especially when that has changed over time and there is no simple solution as every relationship is different.
It sounds to me as though your wife is now at a point in her life where the kids have grown and flown and having been the dutiful wife and mother, she now wants to fulfil her own wants and needs.
If she’s flatly told you that she’s not going to stop having sex with other men then you need to decide how you are going to deal with that because the reality is that’s she’s going to continue with or without your approval.
If you really can’t cope with that, it would be best for both of you to split, as hard as that might be. The alternative is growing resentment and bitterness that will destroy the relationship anyway.

But there are other options if you can handle them. I cheated on my first husband constantly throughout our marriage, he never said anything and neither did I. However, it was never a great relationship (for lots of reasons) so that’s maybe not the best solution.
The other option is that you give cuckolding a go. If the only other choice is splitting up, then what is there to lose? If it turns out not to be for you, then you still have the option of parting amicably. And you never know, if you do try it, you might find it turns you both on watching her getting fucked. Its worked for me and James for over two decades.

Whatever you decide, there going to have to be some frank discussions between you and your wife, as you both need to be happy with whatever direction you take and that might involve some compromises on both your parts.

Hope you find a way through this.
Lynn x

 

[Domuk1]

Either embrace it or loose her by the sounds of it!
You need to sit down together and have serious conversations about what it is she requires from them, what you require out of it, what limits, what roles, if others are to be told, if he is allowed in the martial home? Bed? If you want to watch, listen or have nothing to do with it? Will u want to clean ? Have sloppy seconds?
So many things to work out if and when you want to try. By the sounds of it she isn’t going to stop regardless of what you say so if you truly do love her then I would recommend you embrace it encourage her and join in

 

[jaandaj]

I married my high school sweetheart right after I graduated from college. We have generally had a wonderful life together. We had three kids in rapid order after getting married and have built a successful business together; the kids are now adults and one has recently given us our first grandchild. I am still very much in love with my wife, and she tells me the same. The issue is that in recent years I have discovered her having several affairs. The first was a bit less than 9 years ago. When I confronted her about it she cried, apologized, promised that it would not happen again, and pleaded with me not to tell our kids and to forgive her. I did forgive her, and our life together continued essentially as it had been. However, the same thing happened a few years ago. Again I forgave her (I imagine some of you will criticize me for being a gullible fool - I accept that).

Only a month ago, I again discovered that my wife had had sex with another man. Her response this time was completely different. Although she insisted that she still loved me, there was no crying and she told me that she thought I knew what she was doing because it should have been obvious to me that I had never truly satisfied her sexually, adding that she didn't think she "could" stop. Then, she tried to talk me into agreeing that she could date (which I took to mean fuck) other men. She said something like "I want you to be my cuckold." I replied that she had pretty much seen to that already. She then explained to me that being a cuckold these days means not merely having a wife that has sex with other men but condoning or even encouraging it. She said that I should come to this website and learn more about what she called a "cuckold lifestyle" and consider whether it wouldn't turn me on to know that other men were having sex with her. She even offered to let me watch her have sex with other men.

It was as though I had never known my wife of 30 years, and as though she had never known me. Didn't she know that I had always loved only her and always wanted to have a reciprocal, monogamous relationship with her? I didn't know how to respond or what to think. I don't want to divorce my wife, and still love her deeply. We argued about this for the next couple of weeks. Finally, she refused to talk to me about it further until I had spent an hour reading the texts on this site from men happy about being cuckolds. Against my better judgment I did that. What I found was messages from men who were happy having their wives "date" other men, and other men who want their wives to do so. Surprisingly, I found no messages from men like me whose wives wanted to have sex with other men but were opposed to it. My suspicion is that there are others in that third category, and I am writing this message to see if any of them (or men or women who are engaging, have engaged or want to engage in the "cuckold" lifestyle) can offer any advice for convincing my wife to return to a traditional marriage with me. Perhaps there are examples of couples who have regretted involvement in the "lifestyle".

I do not mean to be critical of anyone who has different ideas from mine, but am not interested in any advice to become what is called a "cuckold" here. If anyone is sincerely interested in helping and has constructive ideas, I would like to read them.

Both of you have to be on board with everything to make a relationship work. That's being monogamous or the hot wife lifestyle.

Only thing you can do is talk about it with her. Stand your ground and if the two of you can't find a happy compromise then it's over.

Know it's not what you want to hear. But it's the truth. I wish I luck either way

 

[edcooke]

i know some couple where one of them dont have a sex drive hope everthing works out but sound like she useing reasons to cheat

Fundamentally I think you are right that my wife is not being honest about thinking that i could be happy in this sort of lifestyle, though I cannot deny that there is something viscerally exciting about imagining the woman you love having sex with another man.

I also think, though, that my wife is taking the easy way out of an issue, and being very selfish in not considering other solutions to her perceived sexual needs. I definitely do NOT have a low sex drive, though I admit that perhaps I'm not very good at it. I would do anything sexual with her that she wanted, and have told her so. Notwithstanding, she seems not to be giving me a chance any more, just turning to other men who simply want to use her body for their pleasure. She continually turns me down when I want to have sex, and usually tries to satisfy me with very perfunctory hand jobs.

 

[jw_kk]

My wife KK was never, and would never be happy in a monogamous relationship. I first discovered this when we were in our undergrad years, and engaged. To my shock, KK broke off our engagement primarily to have the freedom to enjoy sex with other men - which she had been doing behind my back while we were engaged.

Eventually we resumed our engagement and got married. Even once our engagement was back on, KK continued to cheat. There was maybe a six month window of time after we got married, during which KK entertained, or tried to entertain being a monogamous, faithful wife.

I was young, inexperienced, immature and naive - my emotions about her infidelity were a mixed bag; I was full of anxiety, conflicting feelings, a blend of jealousy, lust and desire, anger, confusion, anxiety and so on. During the time our engagement was off, the only way I could get hard and cum was masturbation, while thinking about KK sucking and fucking other guys... I always felt terrible after, ashamed, weak, pathetic...

Over time, I found acceptance, even encouraging her to cuckold me. Before we had our 'breakthrough' it was decades of turmoil for both of us; affairs, pain and emotional conflict. We've been doing the hot wife thing for more than twenty years now - once my objections, mostly driven from my own fear and insecurity, were set aside, life has been extraordinarily better.

 

[edcooke]

I don’t think you are going to get a very balanced response on here I’m afraid as this is a site for people already in the lifestyle or wanting to get into it. Although there are a number of people here who got into it through cheating.
It’s always difficult when the two people in a relationship want very different things especially when that has changed over time and there is no simple solution as every relationship is different.
It sounds to me as though your wife is now at a point in her life where the kids have grown and flown and having been the dutiful wife and mother, she now wants to fulfil her own wants and needs.
If she’s flatly told you that she’s not going to stop having sex with other men then you need to decide how you are going to deal with that because the reality is that’s she’s going to continue with or without your approval.
If you really can’t cope with that, it would be best for both of you to split, as hard as that might be. The alternative is growing resentment and bitterness that will destroy the relationship anyway.

But there are other options if you can handle them. I cheated on my first husband constantly throughout our marriage, he never said anything and neither did I. However, it was never a great relationship (for lots of reasons) so that’s maybe not the best solution.
The other option is that you give cuckolding a go. If the only other choice is splitting up, then what is there to lose? If it turns out not to be for you, then you still have the option of parting amicably. And you never know, if you do try it, you might find it turns you both on watching her getting fucked. Its worked for me and James for over two decades.

Whatever you decide, there going to have to be some frank discussions between you and your wife, as you both need to be happy with whatever direction you take and that might involve some compromises on both your parts.

Hope you find a way through this.
Lynn x

Lynn: This and the Jaanddaj message are obviously very sympathetic to my situation. (It appears that women generally are the ones willing to consider suggesting constructive solutions while men think I just need to give up. I wish my wife felt the same.) Despite my wife's cheating and lying (and other related factors that I would be embarrassed to describe), I love her, respect her, desperately want her to be happy and have no interest in holding her actions against her. She seems to have become someone entirely different, and less admirable, than the woman I've known for so many years. I keep thinking that I must be able to do something to bring her back to who she was.

 

[btweets]

I absolutely love that she was totally and completely open and honest about it!!!!

 

[btweets]

You don’t have to follow anyone else’s rules as to what a cuckold does or even is!! Do whatever makes you two work together and make sure that you both are enjoying it in one way or another!!

 

[Hwcouple702]

Lynn: This and the Jaanddaj message are obviously very sympathetic to my situation. (It appears that women generally are the ones willing to consider suggesting constructive solutions while men think I just need to give up. I wish my wife felt the same.) Despite my wife's cheating and lying (and other related factors that I would be embarrassed to describe), I love her, respect her, desperately want her to be happy and have no interest in holding her actions against her. She seems to have become someone entirely different, and less admirable, than the woman I've known for so many years. I keep thinking that I must be able to do something to bring her back to who she was.

You're NOT ever going to have her back to where she was. She's already gone beyond that and into a different direction. No matter if she never sees another man, your relationship HAS changed forever where sex is involved. You noted that it was a bit of a turn on for you to think about other men fucking your wife, so there is an opportunity to accept her desires. You've been through this many times. You still love her and you're still together. Is it really worth losing the woman you love and breaking your family up over her extramarital sex? Why? You should come to some sort of agreement regarding this entire thing and let her explore for these last few years of sexual viability.

If your relationship is under threat from other men, then that IS serious and must be stopped. Her being "used" by other men for sex is exactly what she wants. She's using them just the same. You don't have to fall into the "cuckold" lifestyle. There is all kinds of kooky stuff associated with that designation. Your wife should just be a "hotwife" and leave it there. You do NOT have to be involved at all, although you will probably want to be involved more as her hotwifing matures. The relationship has already changed permanently, so why not let it become open and sexually satisfying for her, or better yet, both of you?

 

[edcooke]

I absolutely love that she was totally and completely open and honest about it!!!!

Open? Honest? She probably hid this from me for years (I'm under no illusion that the 3 times I caught her were her only dalliances). She certainly lied to me the first two times that I caught her, saying she was sorry and promising not to repeat it.

 

[edcooke]

You're NOT ever going to have her back to where she was. She's already gone beyond that and into a different direction. No matter if she never sees another man, your relationship HAS changed forever where sex is involved. You noted that it was a bit of a turn on for you to think about other men fucking your wife, so there is an opportunity to accept her desires. You've been through this many times. You still love her and you're still together. Is it really worth losing the woman you love and breaking your family up over her extramarital sex? Why? You should come to some sort of agreement regarding this entire thing and let her explore for these last few years of sexual viability.

If your relationship is under threat from other men, then that IS serious and must be stopped. Her being "used" by other men for sex is exactly what she wants. She's using them just the same. You don't have to fall into the "cuckold" lifestyle. There is all kinds of kooky stuff associated with that designation. Your wife should just be a "hotwife" and leave it there. You do NOT have to be involved at all, although you will probably want to be involved more as her hotwifing matures. The relationship has already changed permanently, so why not let it become open and sexually satisfying for her, or better yet, both of you?

Yours is not a very hopeful outlook for me. I agree with what several others have said. The sort of marriage that one has must be a mutual decision, and I find her attitude to be demeaning to me, our marriage and also to her. It goes against the fundamentals of our relationship for 30 years.

On a more positive note, she has made a reservation for us to go out to our favorite restaurant this weekend, thankfully in a private dining room, "to talk things through lovingly and calmly", so I am hopeful that we can restore our trust and happiness.

 

[OriginalCucky]

Yours is not a very hopeful outlook for me. I agree with what several others have said. The sort of marriage that one has must be a mutual decision, and I find her attitude to be demeaning to me, our marriage and also to her. It goes against the fundamentals of our relationship for 30 years.

On a more positive note, she has made a reservation for us to go out to our favorite restaurant this weekend, thankfully in a private dining room, "to talk things through lovingly and calmly", so I am hopeful that we can restore our trust and happiness.

If you try to force something on someone not willing to change, then you will likely do damage. You need to have an open an honest discussion, and set boundaries about what is ok and what isn't. Why did she lie, maybe because she knew you would not understand and did not want to hurt you. Over our lives our dopamine levels drop yearly. by 40-50 people start seeking out more ways to have dopamine. Mid-life crisis is a common expression of that. many women turn more sexual, many men buy a sports car. This may be what she needs to feel alive. Yes, people change as they age, they have secret desires and things they hide. Most likely this side was always there, she just suppressed it for you. Also, some medications can cause hypersexuality. just a side note.

 

[Hwcouple702]

Yours is not a very hopeful outlook for me. I agree with what several others have said. The sort of marriage that one has must be a mutual decision, and I find her attitude to be demeaning to me, our marriage and also to her. It goes against the fundamentals of our relationship for 30 years.

On a more positive note, she has made a reservation for us to go out to our favorite restaurant this weekend, thankfully in a private dining room, "to talk things through lovingly and calmly", so I am hopeful that we can restore our trust and happiness.

OK, but I stand by my statement that your relationship HAS CHANGED, and it is NOT going back to where it was. Of course it isn't possible to go back because of what you have been through. If you want to lay the law down then do so. But in doing so you're quite likely to lose the partner you love at a point in time when you need a companion to get through older age. In the end, you won't solve the problem by bailing out and you will end up lonely and your family broken. The friends and relatives will all take sides, and you know how that goes. I know that isn't a positive, but hey, maybe she will understand where you are coming from and settle down a bit. In any case, professional counseling is going to be required to sort this out. Don't get down on all of this due to my comments. If you see a way beyond this then you should examine that. I'm just one of those who are happily married and active in a "hotwife" relationship. I date, but I love my husband and we are inseparable.

 

[knight4princess]

There's been some really good sincere advice here. My guess is that she's really the same woman she's been all along. Monogamy really isn't hard-wired into human beings. It sounds like she has been a great loving wife and mother with a burning secret down deep -- the need for sexual adventures from time to time. This may not even mean you are a bad lover. It's just that perhaps you can't be all that she needs because no one individual man ever could or will.

If she has a really romantic thing going on with another guy, that may be another thing all together.

I hope your discussion goes well. One thing others have suggested and I agree with is to cut the "cuckold" talk. It doesn't sound like you need any humiliation or anxiety over this. I hope you can embrace her as a Hotwife and save your marriage if you can.

 

[digitalzoom1]

We married at 18, by the time she was 26 it was obvious that I just wasn't up to scratch sexualy I told her that she could get what she wanted with someone else if she wanted but to just be honest and tell me what she was doing, I'm not interested was the reply . Move on a few years, she's just over 30 and a guy hits on her In the factory she works in , she tells me about it saying she turned him down, I repeated my offer if she wanted to go, two days later she told me she was going out with him for a drink, she came home half pissed and fucked making it clear to me that she was going again no matter what, she made the rules and I was not to be involved in anyway what so ever, later when I knew I was getting sloppy seconds when she had been out one night nieve me realised I had had it before and it was before she was fucking with my knowledge so she had been getting what she needed anyway, nothing would have stopped her, she just got it out In the open to make life better for both of us, we are both 75 now she still has a interest on the side but doesn't fuck him much now ,it helped our marriage a lot as it made her a more contented women and a better wife.
I hope this helps you a little it worked for us.

 

[bluemax]

Try not to be hard on her. Your wife lied and cheated but she never planned to leave you. She still loved you. My first wife cheated and after she and the guy felt comfortable enough with each other she moved out to be with him. Your wife has a naughty side but she didn't move out. Try to understand she had to conceal her desires from you because while she wanted to include you she didn't think you could handle it. Now that it's all out in the open now she's trying to bring you in but you're not so inclined right now. Bottom line her cheating was only sex for her and she stayed with you all along. Something to think about and give her credit.

Your initial reactions are understandable and I acted even worse when I found out. But over time it worked into my mind and I came to enjoy the kink, which was further developed by my second wife. Your wife has offered you a deal most of us would accept in a heartbeat. I believe her desire for sex with you will spike dramatically if you give her this opportunity. And the closeness it brings you two as you navigate through this lifestyle will amaze you. When you confess it's "viscerally exciting" to imagine her with another man I think it's working into your mind now also. Give it time and try not to ague and fight with her in the meantime.

If you make her stop she will be unhappy and resent you. Your marriage will suffer. She might just take it further underground. If you continually spy and clamp down on her to eliminate all cheating possibilities....that alone will drive you crazy and you'll be miserable.

She's tasted the excitement of extra marital sex and won't want to give it up. You either have to accept it or leave her. Those are your options.